It's MINE!!!

I have the best BFF in the world.

Over the past five years, she's read almost everything I've written. She's listened to my rants about nutrition and health. She lets me cook for her. She eats tofu cheese and nutritional yeast! Even when my dishes suck ass, she looks at the bright side. (Like the quinoa that "tasted like hoagies". So sweet!) Can you think of a better BFF?

Well, I couldn't. Until she read my blog and bought me this book for my birthday.

Already I can tell it's the best vegan book ever. Here's why.

• The intro is a testament to veganism by Carl Lewis, Olympic athlete
• The first forty pages are dedicated to explaining the vegan lifestyle & cooking techniques
• It contains no pasta dishes
• Recipes vary from international to classic to gourmet
• There's even a recipe for tofu boursin cheese.
  

Thank you so much, Plak!

Detox Your Socks!

I'm in love.

With food, of course.

The vegan, whole grain, gluten and sugar free lifestyle has given me so much energy and happiness. I found a husband in this food. It makes me a better person. You know how it is when you are so in love that you can't stop thinking or talking about him or her? That's me.

One of my new work friends asked me about detoxes yesterday. I kinda attacked her with information. I got real excited, because she's got a touchy stomach too. No nuts, seeds, or sharp, pungent veggies like onions. My mind began to spin. What could this lovely lady eat that would help her feel better, but not upset her tummy?

I didn't want to suggest anything too drastic. Both of us work part time at a restaurant, surrounded by fatty meats, melty cheese, and fried crustaceans. To cut work food and stop eating out would be a major improvement.

Here's what I came up with.

Don't Eat

Beef or Pork
Any fried foods
Any personal food offenders
Milk, Cheese, or Butter
Frozen Veggies
Refined Sugar
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Bread
White Rice
Pasta
Pretzels or Potato Chips
Soda
Caffinated Drinks like Red Bull
Juice with flavoring & sugar added
Any food with additives, preservatives, and flavorings
Any hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated fats

Eat
White Meat
Eggs
Beans
Yogurt
Unsweetened Soy, Oat or Rice Milk
Fruit
Veggies
Something Green at Every Meal
Oats
Brown Rice
Quinoa
(If you must...) Whole Wheat High Fiber Bread
Potatoes, Parsnips, Squash, Yams
Homemade Popcorn
Corn Tortilla Chips
Honey, Agave Nectar, Maple Syrup
Coconut Water
100% Juice
1o Glasses of Water per Day

Some other tips...

1. Eat as close to the natural source as possible.

2. Read labels. If the ingredients build a sizable paragraph, put the item back on the shelf.

3. Don't fall for marketing ploys. Whole grain bread has no whole grains in it. Trans fat is also called "hydrogenated oil." Sugar is also known as fructose, glucose, evaporated cane juice. Natural never means "natural." Organic doesn't mean "organic." Remember, the food industry is a business. They make money by romancing you with dizzying vocab to get you to buy their product. They don't care how you feel.

5. Eat like a caveman. The first humans got through the day without a muffin and a mocha latte from Dunkin' Donuts. You can too.

6. That said, caffeine is okay in my book. Just don't overdo it. Two cups a day. That's it. Green tea is the healthiest of all stimulants. Though some days, it just doesn't cut it. Coffee it up! It's a fucking plant, isn't it? Drink it with some soy or rice milk and agave nectar.

7. Don't eat out. Cook at home. Most restaurant food gives you an entire day's worth of calories in one meal.

8. Understand that you will hurt before you heal.



Most detoxes are very restrictive. Take Gwenyth Paltrow's, for example. It's frightening. I'll keep my lovely lady lumps, thank you very much.

Ultimately, I don't like detoxes. I believe in eating healthy every day. My girl Meech says it best. Human beings were put on this planet with food sources ready made in nature. This is the way we're supposed to eat. This is what our bodies expect to receive. When we don't give ourselves what we need, we feel depleted. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. In need of a detox.

I wonder if it's worth it. Detoxing helps us feel better for a little while. But once we start eating crap, we feel like crap again. What's the point? It seems more painful to me.

It's good to try new things. Who knows? You may end up feeling so good that you begin to make changes. Little changes in diet can affect our bodies in big ways.

For more info, check out the preachings of Gary Null, Alex Jamieson, and John Robbins.

Summery Breakfast

I can't eat a lot in the summer. Especially with IBS. My best days are the ones where I keep it light. Like today.

Here we have apple polenta, almond butter, and tofu raspberry compote. The apple polenta was easy. I cooked 1/4 cup of polenta. When it was almost done, I added a 1/2 cup of applesauce and let it cook more. Then I poured the polenta into teacups to harden.

The almond butter is my own. I crushed almond slivers to dust in my food processor. Then I addd canola oil. A little at a time, until it was smooth. Not too grainy.

The compote was the real experiment. I've been wanting to make it since the spring of '08. When I spent ten days in the UK. The Globe Theater had a snack bar that served bangin' raspberry compote. I didn't even know what a compote was. Just a fruity super-smooth smoothie with little nutty kernels in it.

According to online recipes, compotes usually contain sugar and wheat. Mine contains neither. I threw frozen raspberries, tofu, flax seed meal, and a splash of apple juice into my food processor. When it hit a creamy consistency, I spooned it out. It's still runnier than I wanted it to be. But tart and tasty.

What I've Been Eating Lately

The birthday dinner changed my life.

As it is my family tradition to eat pizza and cake on birthdays, it is Farty tradition to eat nothing but cake for the two days after my birthday. So I've been eating cake.

But unlike years past, I have not been feeling like shit afterwards. I asked my mom: "Why am I feeling like I could conquer the world after eating cake?"

She wanted to know how much protein was in the cake.

"Ummm... well, I didn't want to tell you this," I said. "But there was a ton of tofu in that icing."

Unfazed, she replied, "Well, there you go."

Sooooo... for the past week, I've gone a little nutty (durt!) with the protein.

Green Oats & Tofu Almond Butter

This frightening-looking gem was inspired by the lovely Heather at Heather Eats Almond Butter. I pureed spinach, applesauce, and flax meal with cooked oatmeal in my food processor. Then I threw in some of the leftover icing from the birthday cake.

Polenta and Greek Yogurt

I'm a teacher and a student. One thing I've learned as both: It costs more to go to school than to teach it! Depleted funds have returned me to waitressing this summer. When I get home late at night, I need dairy to help me fall asleep. But one does not sleep by yogurt alone. So I made some polenta, sweetened with applesauce and agave nectar. If you want to make polenta, check out recipes at Fat Free Vegan or 101 Cookbooks. Those are the ones I follow.

Tofu Apple Raspberry Smoothie
& Almond Butter Toast

I don't eat fruit. No joke. I really don't. I have synaesthesia, which makes me sensitive to texture. To me, fruit tastes squishy and snappy. Why not eat worms? Seriously. That's what it's like for me. BUT... while I hate the texture of whole fruit, I love the taste of fruit juice. It hit me this week that with my processor I could make smoothies. Sans worms. Add a little tofu, and I get nutrients plus.


It's been an awesome week. Extra protein helped me calm down on coffee. Less coffee means less IBS explosions. Usually IBS keeps me from eating so much protein. I can't digest it. Thanks to my trusty food processor, I don't have that problem anymore. If you have IBS or digestive probs, consider buying one. It's worth it!

31

Yesterday, I turned 31. Today, I ate two pieces of cake.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

It's tradition in my family to do pizza, cake, and ice cream on each of our birthdays. Since turning into FartyGirl, I have started cooking my own birthday dinner.

"Nice birthday for you, huh?" say my friends, sarcastically.

Actually, it is. I love cooking for people. Since I cook only healthy food, people rarely want to eat it. Especially my picky family members. But on my birthday, they suck it up!

Last year, I cooked a vegan, no-refined sugar dinner. Everyone loved it. This year, I had to figure out how to achieve the same satiety, sans gluten.

Here's what I did:

The Menu

Vegan Pizza
Trader Joe's Whole Wheat Crust
Trader Joe's Tomato Basil Sauce
Trader Joe's Soy Mozzerella Cheese
EVOO & Oregano

Gluten-Free Non-Dairy Pizza
Glutino Pizza Crusts
Trader Joe's Tomato Basil Sauce
Almond and Gourmet Mozzarella Soy Cheese
EVOO & Oregano

Gluten-Free Non-Dairy Swiss Chard White Pie
Glutino Pizza Crusts
Swiss Chard (locally grown)
Almond and Gourmet Mozzarella Soy Cheese
EVOO, Garlic, Oregano

Salad
Arugula, Spinach and Green Leaf Lettuce
Carrots, Radishes, Cauliflower
(All locally grown)

Vanilla Apple Almond Cake
Corn & Millet Flour
Sweetened with Applesauce & Agave Nectar
Cinnamon, Ginger & Vanilla
Vanilla Tofu & Almond Butter Icing

The Recipes

The pizzas were easy. No real cheffery involved. I flattened out the Trader Joe's wheat dough with some flour and spread it on a foiled cookie sheet. If you click on the pictures, you can see some foil still stuck on!


The rounder pizzas were gluten-free non-dairy pizzas, made with Glutino dough. They came frozen. I frisbeed those little bastards onto a foiled tray as well.

The cheese was a mixture of soy and almond vegan cheese. I brushed EVOO on both, to help the fake cheese melt. I also tossed the swiss chard in EVOO, to help it cook.

Store bought ingredients make it easy to be lazy. Little tricks, like the EVOO, make the pizzas taste more homemade. Sprinkle a little oregano and garlic on top, and the pies taste homemade.

And now... the cake!




Can I talk for a minute about how much I love cake?

I LOVE cake. It's the king of comforting foods. Sweet. Moist. Biting and delectable all at once.

The best thing? The sound. If you've never noticed it before, try eating cake in silence some time. Slowly, slide a fork into the bready crevices. You'll hear the cake sigh. Almost like it's as excited to be eaten, as you are to be eating it.

My 31st birthday cake was complex. Mainly because it was my own recipe.


Vanilla Apple Almond Cake

1 cup corn flour
1 cup millet flour
1-1/4 cups unsweetened applesauce
1/2 cup vegetable or canola oil
1/2-1 cup agave nectar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ginger
1/4 teaspoon allspice
1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions:
Sift dry ingredients. Add all wet ingredients, except agave. Start with 1/2 cup of agave. Add 1/4 cup at a time, to taste. Remember that the cake will taste less sweet after baked.

Fill a single 9-inch pan. Bake at 325 degrees for 45-50 minutes.


Vanilla Tofu Almond Icing

1 cup almond butter
1/2 package of silken Mori-Nu tofu, firm
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/4-1/2 cup agave nectar
1-1/2 tablespoons of vanilla extract
pinch of salt

Directions:
I started by making some almond butter. I threw half a pound of almonds into a food processor. I processed them until they were ground almond meal. Then I added vegetable oil until it had a nice runny texture.

Next, I drained the tofu. I wrapped it in paper towels and lightly squeezed the water out. Then I chucked that in the processor.

(Note: It's possible to make this without a food processor. Silken tofu breaks up easily. You can buy almond butter at the store. If you don't have a food processor, give it a try. Use a regular mixer. Let me know how it goes!)

After this came trial and error. I added the sweet stuff. I tasted. I added more sweet stuff. I tasted. I ran around the house with spoons and had my family taste it. When the pickiest of my kin nodded approval, I scooped out the icing and spread the cake.

The cake was better than last year, according to my sister. Dense, but moist, said my dad. Nobody noticed the tofu. I didn't tell them either. Heh-heh-heh.

Smarty Vs. Farty: Treats

I'm a junk food addict.

That's one of the reasons I started this blog. Upon realizing that junk food was making me sick (and fat), I wanted to find healthy alternatives for my cravings.

Remember my PMS-induced choco-holocaust from a couple weeks ago?

Yeah, so much for healthy substitutes. No matter the ingredients, a cookie is still a cookie. A veg is still a veg.

To curb my sweet tooth, I've been trying a number of different tactics to keep myself from another choco-holocaust. First? Eat something sweet every single day.

So using this blog as an excuse, I've been buying up the cookies like cookie monster gone old school. Here's what I found.


1. Pamela's
These cookies are NOT vegan. I tried them anyway, for all my gluten-free girls out there. Because I'm lactose intolerant, they most definitely made me sick. BUT they are some of the best gluten-free cookies out there. The Chocolate Chunk ones were my faves. Peanut Butter, not so much. A little too chewy and not sweet enough.








2. Enjoy Life


Enjoy Life cookies are gluten-free and vegan. For me, they are the perfect choice when you want a soft cookie. They are not as sweet as Pamela's, as they are fruit-sweetened. But they don't make you sick either.










3. Smart Treats


I buy these whenever I'm in Boston. They have a sandy texture, but they kick ass in sweetness and taste. They also crunch real good. A great side with coffee. Even my Boston-non-Vegan-BFF, who's a notorious junk food eater, loves them.



4. Cookies... For Me?


These are indigenous to the Pennsylvania area, and well worth the cost. Hands down, the best brownies I've had, ever. This lady's stuff is not always vegan, but if you are having a severe brownie attack, it's worth it.







5. Frankly Natural



Frankly Natural makes the best vegan, gluten-free junk food I've had ever. They take the cake, literally.




















Ever see the movie "Chocolat"? It's about a lady who starts a chocolaterie (or however you spell it) in this tiny little French town full of Catholics and anorexics. At the end, the starving mayor tries to destroy her shop. He ends up eating her entire front display case.

As much as I preach, I do believe that all rules deserve to be broken. Everything in moderation. Or else, we'd go mad.

I Want It

We all know how I hate to spend money.

I'd love to support every brilliant vegan chef out there (What up, PPK!) and buy a whole catalog of cookbooks. But right now, I can't afford it. I can't even afford the ingredients!

My teaching job ended a few weeks ago. None of the local temp agencies have been able to find me work. After ten years of waitress and bartending experience, I can't score a restaurant job.

It's rough out there, folks.

BUT TODAY, I found a cookbook that I MUST BUY.

The Complete Vegan Kitchen is one of the most brilliant, creative, mind-blowing cookbooks I've ever seen in my life. Seriously.

I sat down at the University of Penn. bookstore this afternoon and read the whole thing, cover to cover, like it was a gripping murder mystery. Every page I turned, there was a new dish or new combination of foods I'd never heard of.

This chick, Jannequin Bennett, has one hell of an imagination. She veganizes rare recipes from all over the globe, while putting her own spin on vegan classics. There's a recipe for Eggplant Rollatini that uses polenta, instead of riccotta cheese. There's a Broccoli-Almond veggie burger. There's recipes from Algeria, Portugal, and Indonesia.

There's a recipe for Tofu Boursin cheese.

If that doesn't convince you that this cookbook is one of a freakin' kind, then I don't know what.

And you know what? I don't even care. 'Cos I'm buyin' this bitch. ASAP.