This year, the great stinkwhore Farty Girl IS single. BUT for the first time, she embraced the holiday with both arms.
First, I realized that I had no worries, no obligations. For a neurotic mess like me, that's a freakin' gift, any day. Then I went to the gym, and it was empty. I had the swimming pool all to myself! Finally, I decided that I should celebrate the holiday, by giving love to my own farty self. How? The only way a single girl knows best.
CARBOHYDRATES.
I LOVE carbohydrates. I LOVE them. I roll my eyes with exquisite joy, when I talk about how much I love them. Carbs are always comforting. They always taste good. They never cause me to get sick, as long as I eat carbs with lots of fiber. No problem. Well, the only problem is that carbs can make you fat; if you eat too many carbs, and you don't work out, they get stored as sugar, which turns into fat. I've been trying to lose the belly fat I gained from weekends of Mickey's 40's back in college, so rarely do I let myself indulge on the carbs. But on Valentine's Day? FUCK IT!
So I give you: FARTY GIRL'S VALENTINE'S DAY CARBO-HAPPY MASSACRE
BREAKFAST: Whole Wheat Peanut Butter Pancakes
1/2 cup of whole wheat flour
2-3 tablespoons of natural peanut butter
2-3 tablespoons of honey
1/2-1 teaspoon of baking powder
Soy milk
Directions:
Add soy milk to your desired consistency. More soy milk will make your pancakes more bready. But don't add too much, or else you'll have no pancake! Don't worry about adding eggs; the peanut butter acts as an egg substitute. When cooking, I also like to place a lid over the pancakes; this helps their insides cook faster and get fluffy. When serving, I spread peanut butter and honey on the stack, instead of butter and maple syrup. These are a bit heavier than regular pancakes, so pace yourself.
LUNCH: Mac and Chreese!
These mac and cheeses are vegan and high fiber, and they come in a variety of cheese flavors. They taste close enough to the real thing for me, and even if they don't taste exactly like good ol' Kraft Deluxe, they still taste good. I promise.
DINNER: Easy Cheesy Vegan-Sausage Pie
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup soy milk
1 egg
1/2 onion
1/2 pack Gimme Lean vegan sausage
Trader Joe's soy cheddar cheese slices
Directions:
Brown the Gimme Lean sausage with chopped onion, as you would real meat. Grease any kind of oven pan, and put the meat in first. I used two small ramekins when I made my pie. In a separate bowl, mix up the flour, soy milk, and egg until smooth. Pour the mixture over top of the sausage. Place cheese slices over the top of the pie. Bake at 400 degrees for 15-20 minutes.
History:
This recipe was stolen from the back of a Bisquick box. The recipe had the measurements wrong, so I revised it and vegan-ized it. I'm still working on ways to bake without eggs, and to be honest, I have been quite unsuccessful. Eggs don't make me sick, so I haven't been trying too hard. Despite the egg, this is lactose and sugar free, with the high fiber of the whole wheat flour and the vegan sausage. The soy cheese has calcium too. Many vegans complain that soy cheese doesn't melt. Well I can tell you, Trader Joe's soy cheese DOES melt, and it melts well. If you can't get your soy cheese to melt, turn on your broiler for the last five minutes of cooking, and that will do the trick.
DESSERT: Cinnamon Cardamom Cookies
1 1/4 cup wheat flour
1 stick of soy butter
1 cup honey
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 egg
Tons of cinnamon
Half as much cardamom as cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon salt
Directions:
I threw everything into a bowl and mixed by hand. If you hold the egg until the end, you can taste test the batter to make sure there's enough honey. Honey isn't the best sweetener for baking. Rice syrup, agave syrup, and maple syrup all work better. But they are more expensive than honey. I bake on a budget, so honey it is! It may take more honey; it may take less. Taste testing is always best. When finished mixing, bake like regular cookies, on a greased sheet, around 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes.
History:
I based this recipe on a tea I drank once. I didn't think it was going to work, but it did. I made three versions, as you can see from the photo below. The darker cookies are vegan, made with mashed potatoes instead of eggs. They were not as good as the ones made with the egg. So I apologize to all vegans out there, but chicken fetuses make for better cookies. These cookies were the best ones I've made, like ever.
By the way, I measure and cook Rachael Ray style. So these recipes might not be entirely accurate. The best thing to do is to pay attention to consistency while you cook. I usually mix and stir until I feel like I've got something that feels like "normal" pancake and cookie batter. Then I pop it into the oven and hope for the best. Not the best method, but that's how I roll.
Directions:
Add soy milk to your desired consistency. More soy milk will make your pancakes more bready. But don't add too much, or else you'll have no pancake! Don't worry about adding eggs; the peanut butter acts as an egg substitute. When cooking, I also like to place a lid over the pancakes; this helps their insides cook faster and get fluffy. When serving, I spread peanut butter and honey on the stack, instead of butter and maple syrup. These are a bit heavier than regular pancakes, so pace yourself.
LUNCH: Mac and Chreese!
These mac and cheeses are vegan and high fiber, and they come in a variety of cheese flavors. They taste close enough to the real thing for me, and even if they don't taste exactly like good ol' Kraft Deluxe, they still taste good. I promise.
DINNER: Easy Cheesy Vegan-Sausage Pie
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup soy milk
1 egg
1/2 onion
1/2 pack Gimme Lean vegan sausage
Trader Joe's soy cheddar cheese slices
Directions:
Brown the Gimme Lean sausage with chopped onion, as you would real meat. Grease any kind of oven pan, and put the meat in first. I used two small ramekins when I made my pie. In a separate bowl, mix up the flour, soy milk, and egg until smooth. Pour the mixture over top of the sausage. Place cheese slices over the top of the pie. Bake at 400 degrees for 15-20 minutes.
History:
This recipe was stolen from the back of a Bisquick box. The recipe had the measurements wrong, so I revised it and vegan-ized it. I'm still working on ways to bake without eggs, and to be honest, I have been quite unsuccessful. Eggs don't make me sick, so I haven't been trying too hard. Despite the egg, this is lactose and sugar free, with the high fiber of the whole wheat flour and the vegan sausage. The soy cheese has calcium too. Many vegans complain that soy cheese doesn't melt. Well I can tell you, Trader Joe's soy cheese DOES melt, and it melts well. If you can't get your soy cheese to melt, turn on your broiler for the last five minutes of cooking, and that will do the trick.
DESSERT: Cinnamon Cardamom Cookies
1 1/4 cup wheat flour
1 stick of soy butter
1 cup honey
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 egg
Tons of cinnamon
Half as much cardamom as cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1 teaspoon salt
Directions:
I threw everything into a bowl and mixed by hand. If you hold the egg until the end, you can taste test the batter to make sure there's enough honey. Honey isn't the best sweetener for baking. Rice syrup, agave syrup, and maple syrup all work better. But they are more expensive than honey. I bake on a budget, so honey it is! It may take more honey; it may take less. Taste testing is always best. When finished mixing, bake like regular cookies, on a greased sheet, around 350 degrees for 10-15 minutes.
History:
I based this recipe on a tea I drank once. I didn't think it was going to work, but it did. I made three versions, as you can see from the photo below. The darker cookies are vegan, made with mashed potatoes instead of eggs. They were not as good as the ones made with the egg. So I apologize to all vegans out there, but chicken fetuses make for better cookies. These cookies were the best ones I've made, like ever.
By the way, I measure and cook Rachael Ray style. So these recipes might not be entirely accurate. The best thing to do is to pay attention to consistency while you cook. I usually mix and stir until I feel like I've got something that feels like "normal" pancake and cookie batter. Then I pop it into the oven and hope for the best. Not the best method, but that's how I roll.
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5 comments:
I'm at work and you're making me hungry. I may just have to try those pancakes. Carbs are my best friend and nemesis. I got a bread machine for Xmas and almost every night I eat bread with this awesome olive oil that I order from CA. I'm already sad about the day in the spring when I'm going to have to cut down on my bread consumption in order to not look like a vat of cottage cheese at the beach...
I LOVE LOVE LOOOVE Gimme Lean! And I most recently tried the Ground Beef variety, since I had only had the Ground Sausage previously. I like the ground beef even better. And the thing is, I can't even tell you if it really tastes like beef since it's been ages, but the flavor is SUPERB in my book. I make it with egg whites and eat it with romaine lettuce!
Also, Amber's mentioned cardamom for me, though I can't find it anywhere. I am very curious to try it.
updates!
I've been having trouble with the pancakes. They are just not getting as fluffy as I'd like.
I did discover something interesting about Healthy Hot Chocolate. It blends amazingly smooth if you make it with almond milk, rather than soy.
Sounds delish indeed. ACTUALLY, I have a spoonful of peanut butter in my mouth at this very moment.
Yummy!
I buy myself flowers sometimes. Highly recommended.
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