The IBS Survival Kit

I got real sick yesterday. It was stress. And it was my day off too.

Last week, I had no days off. So while eating my breakfast, I made a giant "To Do" list for the day. Big mistake.

It was as if I swallowed every single one of those "To Dos" with my tofu eggs and toast. The meal went down into my stomach and just stayed there. By nine am, I looked pregnant.

For lunch, I made some vegan, sugar-free white rice pudding. It didn't help. I hung over yesterday's blog, snarling at the irony of it all. The cure? What a joke!

The day was wasted and I felt so depressed. I got very few of my "To Dos" actually done. I missed my work picnic and softball game. Then around five o'clock, I gave up.

I went to the liquor store.

There are a lot of little tricks up my smelly sleeve. So the white rice didn't work. Next, I bring out any one of the following options.

1. Herbal Tea

Brew a gas-guzzler! Some of my favorite anti-flatulent herbies include: Peppermint, Fennel, Dill, Dandelion Root, and Ginger. The first five work to dispel gas. Ginger is more for in between meals, to warm and prime your tummy for digestion. Mix it with some raw honey or stevia and lemon, and you've got a slammin' ginger lemonade.

2. Gasalia

I'm new to Boiron homeopathic remedies. My dentist suggested I try Sabadil for my allergies. It worked well. Gasalia doesn't stop gas; it pushes it out instead. Keep it in mind!

3. Red Wine

I'm a bit of a wino. Early on in my IBS career, I noticed that I always felt better after a glass. Vino relaxes the stomach. Of course it works. Obviously, if you are an alcoholic, IBS is not a reason to drink. If you can drink, consider trying it. I prefer administering the red like I did yesterday: as preparation for a meal. Like ginger, vino warms up your belly and primes it for food time.

4. Liquids

The weirdest thing about IBS is the hunger. It goes away. Kinda. The gas and pain fills up your belly, making you feel like you just finished a twelve course meal. But underneath it, there's a twinge of needing to eat. Especially when you go from 7 am to 10 pm without consuming anything besides a half cup of rice pudding. You get dizzy too. Any kind of light smoothie can help get you through the day. My favorite is coconut water, rice protein mix, and soy milk.

5. Movement and Music

Nothing helps dispel gas better than exercise. Go for a long run or swim. Your limbs will knead those farts right out of you! Relaxing music works well too. Like vino, it calms the body. It's one of my favorite ways to digest. I clip on my headphones and lie in bed for fifteen minutes.

Different tricks work for everyone. Sometimes, the best thing is to do NOTHING. Go about your day and don't eat. Usually when IBS is at it's worst, the LAST thing you want to do is eat.

As for me, I don't know if I'm completely healed from yesterday yet. All I've consumed is green tea and almond milk. Today's "To Do" list has been scribbled down, sans food. This being done, I can cross number one off the list and consider breakfast.

The Cure

White rice and Gas X.

That's it, fellow IBSSers. I'm not kidding. The next time you get "sick," - and by sick, I mean, either shitting or farting your ass off - there are two places you need to go. CVS and the local Chinese take out.

I have some theories as to why the white rice. It's bland. It's lacking in fiber. It's easily digestible. Obviously, it will hit your guts without a tremor.

But I still can't figure out why it soothes the guts, why it paves the way for other foods.

It's possible that IBS follows a domino effect. Once your guts start erupting, they don't stop. Only food with a complete lack of fiber can defuse the bombs.

I don't know what it is. I just know it works.

Gas X works too - buuuut...

...it leaves me jaded.

I hate the chemicals in Gas X. I hate Yellow No. 5. I hate the dizziness I get after downing a couple tabs. And I hate, hate, HATE burping up Simethicone.

Simethicone is the minty chemical that makes Gas X work. It's necessary. But coming back up, it tastes like a peppermint schnapps and crack smoothie.

Thanks to my summer waitressing job, I've been making enough money to shop around alternate, more natural fart slayers. Here's the question of the day: What should I try next? What works for you?

Eating Out

My family likes to watch a lot of TV. At dinner time, there are usually three TVs blasting in each room of the first floor of our house. It's like a contest. What TV show is the loudest? NCIS? So You Think You Can Dance? The Phils vs. the Mets? Bill O'Reilly?

Be it the noise, the drama, or the blatant racism - I can't eat dinner amidst all that ruckus. I need to escape.

Yay for the summer. It gives me a place to go. So. After nuking up some vegan delights...

Like this cheesy vegan casserole, made with almond butter, thyme, and nutritional yeast...

... I go outside.

At the back of our property, there's a wooden fence overgrown with vegetation.

The leaves explode out from knotted old branches and tumble down like ivy.

Behind me is a birch tree that my daddy planted.

The resident groundhog galumps under the shed.

Bunnies and squirrels hop by.

Butterflies dance on the grasses.

If it weren't for the tattoos and the track pants...

... I'd feel like Snow White.

A peaceful environment is absolutely necessary for quality digestion. That, and a big glass of red vino.

One out of two ain't bad.

It's MINE!!!

I have the best BFF in the world.

Over the past five years, she's read almost everything I've written. She's listened to my rants about nutrition and health. She lets me cook for her. She eats tofu cheese and nutritional yeast! Even when my dishes suck ass, she looks at the bright side. (Like the quinoa that "tasted like hoagies". So sweet!) Can you think of a better BFF?

Well, I couldn't. Until she read my blog and bought me this book for my birthday.

Already I can tell it's the best vegan book ever. Here's why.

• The intro is a testament to veganism by Carl Lewis, Olympic athlete
• The first forty pages are dedicated to explaining the vegan lifestyle & cooking techniques
• It contains no pasta dishes
• Recipes vary from international to classic to gourmet
• There's even a recipe for tofu boursin cheese.
  

Thank you so much, Plak!

Detox Your Socks!

I'm in love.

With food, of course.

The vegan, whole grain, gluten and sugar free lifestyle has given me so much energy and happiness. I found a husband in this food. It makes me a better person. You know how it is when you are so in love that you can't stop thinking or talking about him or her? That's me.

One of my new work friends asked me about detoxes yesterday. I kinda attacked her with information. I got real excited, because she's got a touchy stomach too. No nuts, seeds, or sharp, pungent veggies like onions. My mind began to spin. What could this lovely lady eat that would help her feel better, but not upset her tummy?

I didn't want to suggest anything too drastic. Both of us work part time at a restaurant, surrounded by fatty meats, melty cheese, and fried crustaceans. To cut work food and stop eating out would be a major improvement.

Here's what I came up with.

Don't Eat

Beef or Pork
Any fried foods
Any personal food offenders
Milk, Cheese, or Butter
Frozen Veggies
Refined Sugar
High Fructose Corn Syrup
Bread
White Rice
Pasta
Pretzels or Potato Chips
Soda
Caffinated Drinks like Red Bull
Juice with flavoring & sugar added
Any food with additives, preservatives, and flavorings
Any hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated fats

Eat
White Meat
Eggs
Beans
Yogurt
Unsweetened Soy, Oat or Rice Milk
Fruit
Veggies
Something Green at Every Meal
Oats
Brown Rice
Quinoa
(If you must...) Whole Wheat High Fiber Bread
Potatoes, Parsnips, Squash, Yams
Homemade Popcorn
Corn Tortilla Chips
Honey, Agave Nectar, Maple Syrup
Coconut Water
100% Juice
1o Glasses of Water per Day

Some other tips...

1. Eat as close to the natural source as possible.

2. Read labels. If the ingredients build a sizable paragraph, put the item back on the shelf.

3. Don't fall for marketing ploys. Whole grain bread has no whole grains in it. Trans fat is also called "hydrogenated oil." Sugar is also known as fructose, glucose, evaporated cane juice. Natural never means "natural." Organic doesn't mean "organic." Remember, the food industry is a business. They make money by romancing you with dizzying vocab to get you to buy their product. They don't care how you feel.

5. Eat like a caveman. The first humans got through the day without a muffin and a mocha latte from Dunkin' Donuts. You can too.

6. That said, caffeine is okay in my book. Just don't overdo it. Two cups a day. That's it. Green tea is the healthiest of all stimulants. Though some days, it just doesn't cut it. Coffee it up! It's a fucking plant, isn't it? Drink it with some soy or rice milk and agave nectar.

7. Don't eat out. Cook at home. Most restaurant food gives you an entire day's worth of calories in one meal.

8. Understand that you will hurt before you heal.



Most detoxes are very restrictive. Take Gwenyth Paltrow's, for example. It's frightening. I'll keep my lovely lady lumps, thank you very much.

Ultimately, I don't like detoxes. I believe in eating healthy every day. My girl Meech says it best. Human beings were put on this planet with food sources ready made in nature. This is the way we're supposed to eat. This is what our bodies expect to receive. When we don't give ourselves what we need, we feel depleted. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. In need of a detox.

I wonder if it's worth it. Detoxing helps us feel better for a little while. But once we start eating crap, we feel like crap again. What's the point? It seems more painful to me.

It's good to try new things. Who knows? You may end up feeling so good that you begin to make changes. Little changes in diet can affect our bodies in big ways.

For more info, check out the preachings of Gary Null, Alex Jamieson, and John Robbins.