Caving into the Caveman

Get ready for Iron Bitches, Part two.

It turned out that success with the sesame seed bar only lasted so long. At work yesterday, I stood over trays of sizzling grilled meats, inhaled, and let out a growl that would make a caveman's hair stand on end.

"Meat has been smelling really good to me lately," I told my girl Allison, who was working beside me.

"If you are craving it, then you're body is telling you that you need it," she replied.

I nodded. I said, "I know you're right."

"Don't eat it here though," she added. "In case you get sick."

Even though I thought I'd be okay, I took her advice. We had a long night ahead of us. Tons of reservations on the books. It wouldn't have been wise to sicken myself.

Today, I'm torn. I'm exhausted and depressed too.

So.

Should I eat meat? Let's think about why I quit eating meat in the first place.

1. High cholesterol and high blood pressure runs in my family.

2. I have IBS - C, which means I need as much fiber in my diet as possible. There's no fiber in meat.

3. I don't like meat as much as I like beans and nuts and seeds and tofu. It's only just before my rag hits that I turn into a friggin' salivating caveman.

I started this diet for my health. If I am not feeling my best on this diet, then I want to change it. I want to eat to make myself feel the most energized and happiest that I can be. I believe that it's possible.

Okay! That said - should I eat meat? I'm really curious as to what everyone thinks. To show how curious, I'm going to offer a little incentive for commenting.

I'm letting the cat out of the bag a little early here, but what the hell.

I'm starting a medicinal tea company. It's called Beacon Tea. More details to come, I promise. For now, let's just say that I will offer a free sample of tea to someone, chosen at random, who comments their thoughts on whether I should eat meat or not.

Got it?

The question: Should I eat meat?

You comment.

I choose one of you at random.

You get free tea.

We can even discuss what kind of tea you want... and I'll make it up special for you.

Let the commenting begin!!!

Iron Bitches

It's around ten am. The sky is growing dark. Storms are approaching. You can tell it's going to be one of those days where thunder and lightning and rain rages on and off, all day. And depending on where you are, either work or school, you will watch the storm out the windows and feel cozy and warm.

The last week has been like this almost every day. It's either muggy and shitty or pouring like Florida. Yesterday, the weather fit my mood impeccably. I went into work. I didn't talk to anyone. I did my job and tried not to kill anyone. Including myself.

Was it just the weather?

No. It was my rag.

Get ready for a heavy dose of TMI, FartyGirl style. My period is coming, folks. And when the rag is on it's way, it's like an oncoming train. High pitched whistles pierce through the air. The ground shakes. In other words, I feel like total shit.

One of my male friends once asked me, "Is it really that bad?"

Yeah. It is. Yesterday, I had no energy to do anything. I had what doctors call "lead limbs." I walked around work, struggling to lift trays and clean up after my tables. I drank coffee, coconut water, soymilk - nothing helped.

I also kinda majorly wanted to kill myself. At one point, the cooks in the kitchen started laughing. I was dead sure it was about me. Everyone hates me, I thought. Why am I here?

From somewhere inside of me, I remembered that the rag was due. Iron, I told myself. I bet I need some iron.

On the way home from work, I stopped at my local whole foods store and went hunting.

Honestly? The thought of eating chicken did cross my mind. But then I found this.

A bar of sesame seeds. According to the wrapper, the iron content is 90% of what you need for one day. I bought it. I sat in my car. I ate it.

BLAMMO! A wave of power shot through my body. I was awake. I was happy. I was restored.

Iron, bitches. Don't forget to dope up on that iron. It's amazing what it can do for you.

'Scuse my French

Today, I was wondering why I feel like it's okay to curse like a trucker on this site.

My first answer was what I tell my students. That's how I talk. When I try not to curse, I feel awkward. I lose myself. I'm not me. I can't be honest without the F-word. And if you can't deal with it, go back to grade school.

My second answer was this. Hold out 'til 6 minutes. Although, it's hard to not watch the whole thing.

What the Fuck Am I Doing Here?

I am an English teacher. I am a waitress. I am a temp at an insurance agency. I am a writer.

I am FartyGirl.

Anyone interested in getting their MFA in Creative Writing! Take heed. Unless you are the next Stephen King or Joyce Carol Oates (aaaand face it, you're not), you're screwed. The MFA is like a marriage. You marry a lifetime of small jobs, meager income, and moving back in with your parents at the age of thirty.

The honeymoon has been over for a long time, folks.

My IBS symptoms kicked in my first semester of teaching as an adjunct English professor. At the time, I assumed it was because of the food I was eating. One of my colleges offered the faculty free lunch. I ate it and got sick.

When I say sick, I mean that the food went into my belly and did not digest. It sat in my guts like rocks. It fermented into a giant fart baby. As I left the caf and hoofed over to the bus stop, my ass let off pellets of exhaust.

It didn't stop for days. Sometimes weeks.

I began to research IBS. The IBS research led me to food research. I learned about all the additives, flavorings and chemicals put into our food supply. I decided to go organic. I also cut out foods that offend the typical IBSSer: fatty, dairy, and sugary.

Three days into my diet, I felt amazing! So awake, so vibrant, so happy. But the farts didn't subside.

I read more. I tested foods. I tried high fiber diets, low fiber diets, high protein and low carb, high carb and low protein. I went raw. I went ayurvedic, vegetarian, vegan, wheat-free, gluten-free, and sugar-free.

I tried everything.

Fast forward to today. I follow an organic, vegan, gluten-free and sugar free diet. This means that I don't eat animal products. I don't eat bread. I don't eat any grains containing gluten. I don't drink beer. I only eat fruit that comes from sugar.

If you've followed this blog for a while, you may know all about this. You may also know that this diet has not completely healed me. I still get sick sometimes. Not as often as I used to, buuuut... yeah, still sometimes. My doctors nod their heads in agreement. I have IBS because I have issues with stress. When I conquer stress, I will conquer IBS.

So... you may be wondering... why do I continue to stay on this crazy diet? Why don't I go back to eating shitty like a normal person?

Because I feel fucking amazing.

After all the reading I have done, this diet makes the most sense to me. Globally and medically. On this diet, I feel so healthy, so happy, so full of energy, so confident, so right, so ME.

Oh yeah... and I'm twenty-five pounds thinner.

Now, I'm not an idiot. I know that to most people, I look like a complete freak. They quiz me, actually, everywhere I go.

Q: How do you live?

A: Very well, thank you.

Q: Are you vegan by choice or for health reasons?

A: Both. I've always thought that eating meat was disgusting, since I was a little kid. Now, I find that it messes up my digestion too much. I prefer getting more accessible proteins from legumes and nuts, which also contain more fiber, vitamins, and minerals.

Q: Don't you feel like you are missing out?

A: I wouldn't eat a pizza for a million bucks.

Q: You don't eat meat? That's probably why you're sick!

A: Oh my God, you are a friggin' genius. Get me some chicken fingers and teryaki steak sticks, stat! We all know there's nothing more soothing for the gut than high fat and sugar.

Q: Don't you feel responsible for messing up the food chain?

A: WHAT? (Followed by a rain of joyful giggles, a shake of my head, and walking away.)

To explain in detail why I have chosen this lifestyle takes longer than two minutes. It would take a book.

Hmmm...

Who Says You Can't Eat Chocolate for Breakfast?

I'm a former junk food junkie. As a teenager, I lived off Oreos and Pizzeria Pretzel Combos. Today, I can't help but wonder if that's a reason my digestion is so off. But rather than swear off junkie foods forever, I'm interested in healthy indulgents.

I believe in cake at breakfast. I believe in chocolate. I believe in cheese!

There are ways to eat this stuff and have it be good for you. Take chocolate, for example. By itself, chocolate contains tons of antioxidants, vitamins, and fiber. To make healthy chocolate, simply buy unsweetened chocolate and sweeten it with dates, applesauce, honey, or juice. If you like a milky, creamy chocolate, add rice or soy milk, peanut butter or almond butter.

Enter: The Chocolate for Breakfast Milkshake

1/2 can organic pumpkin

2 heaping spoonfuls of unsweetened cocoa

1 heaping spoonful of organic, natural peanut butter

4 chopped dates

2 swirls of agave nectar

1/2-3/4 cup of unsweetened soy milk

a couple pinches of salt

ice

Instructions: Throw everything into the food processor. Taste as you go. Add what you want to achieve the desired texture and taste.

Yield: Two milkshakes.

Warning: Try to not drink them both yourself. It's hard.