Put the Hell into Healthy Eating!

Do you know Gillian McKeith? She's a holistic nutritionist and host of BBC's "You are What You Eat." Hit the click above to watch an episode.

She is harsh. She is mean. She is the Hitler of healthy!

My sister Moira told me about her. In one episode she hollered at one of her clients: "You eat like a BIG FAT SLOB MAAAN!" We've been obsessed with her ever since.

A few weeks ago, I grabbed up her "Food Bible" from my local library. Inside, I found a guide on how to use food to cure illness. I bet you can guess the first illness I looked up!!!

Here's what Gillian says about IBS.

"Many people say it is caused by stress. Certainly, stress can cause gastrointestinal spasms, but the main cause is what I call the "body plumbing back up." Your digestive system is shot and your intestines do not work properly... You end up quite depleted nutritionally, as this condition interferes with the absorption of nutrients" (315-316).

None of the books I've read explain IBS as something that can leave you malnourished. I love that Gillian does. This explains why I feel so tired, weak, and dizzy all the time, despite my insanely healthy diet.

Here's what she suggests IBSsers eat and drink:

Veggie juice to boost nutrition

Whole grains

Veggies

Legumes

Sprouted seeds

Dried figs

Flax seeds

Artichoke soup

Probiotics

Digestive enzymes

Ginger and Tumeric

Gentian and Slippery Elm

Peppermint, Fennel, Pau d'Arco and Chamomile tea

Foods rich in vitamin B and magnesium

Here's what she suggest IBSsers NOT eat and drink:

Processed foods (duh)

Wheat, dairy, margarine (duh)

Red meat (duh)

Sugar (duh)

Citrus, tomatoes, spicy peppers (duh)

Whatever foods you can't tolerate (duh)

There's lots here that I've never heard of before. There's also lots here that makes no sense.

I mean, C'MON. Look at me. I've been a vegan for over three years. I've been gluten-free for two. And I'm STILL SICK.

WTF, Gillian?

Two changes are gonna be made.

First - I'm starting a food diary. A REAL food diary. Twitter obviously doesn't cut it.

Second - I'm writing Gillian a letter. I'm going to ask her for help.

It's silly. But I'm doing it anyway. Part of me dreams that she can - and will - help me.

In the search for perfect health, we all have our gurus who we go to for help. We live by their regime. We try to do everything right. We want their cures to work.

Sometimes I wonder if we would do better just listening to ourselves instead.

Who is your healthy guru? Are healthy gurus a good idea? Do they inspire healing? Or do they just make eating more complicated?

Um... I Think I'm Cured, Part Deux

Before everybody goes jumpin' off the psyllium husk cliff, I gots some explaining to do.

Psyllium is only one ingredient into this recipe of perfect digestion I've been calling my life for the past 2-3 weeks.

Here is another one.

Whole Foods Brand

Bean Digest Ultra

These are digestive enzymes. According to Dr. Carolyn Dean in "IBS for Dummies," enzymes can greatly reduce belching and flatulence. She says they are best taken at the middle of the end of a meal.

What are enzymes? Dr. Dean mentions a handful.

Amylase

Betaine Hydrochloride

Bromelaine

Lipase

Papaya

Pepsin

Peptidase

Each helps the stomach to digest a different kind of food. Amylase works with carbs. Lipase takes care of fats. Pepsin and Peptidase do up the protein (171-172).

Isn't it neat how the enzyme name kinda matches the food? Well, except for Amylase.

My Whole Foods Bean Digest Ultra contains:

Amylase

Protease

Lipase

Lactase

Phytase

Cellulase

Sucrase

Maltase

It looks like I'm getting all the good stuff, and MORE!

I list these enzymes so if you want to go out and find your own, you know specifically what enzymes to look for. They will be listed on the back of the bottle.

Unfortch, there's no info online about Whole Foods Bean Digest Ultra.

All I know is THE SHIT WORKS!

Remember my story? It's under the "About the Author" section, if you forget. But my problems started with eating. Food hit my belly and sat there like rocks. The rocks grew into fart babies. The fart babies grew into unborn fart children. And I limped around for weeks, praying to go into labor.

Today, I can happily say that I've given birth. Not to adorable Farty Chill'ens, but to a brand new ME! If I take these enzymes, I can digest everything. Well, okay. ALMOST everything.

This cute lil' bastard caused me some discomfort last week.

I chose it for the 7 grams of sugar. Usually I prefer Larabars, but they have 18 grams of sugar. Here's where the old battle comes into play. Do I choose the food that I can digest or do I choose the food that will not make me fat? I chose the Kind bar. And suffered.

Sometimes it's hell bein' a woman!

Diet counts for a lot still. Despite enzymes, I also had trouble with this bread.

For my gluten free non-vegan pals - this is the best gluten free bread I've ever had, no doubt. But it did contain a little egg and cheese. NEVER AGAIN!

I love the vegan and raw food lifestyle. I don't know why I sometimes slip over to the other side. It's usually for convenience.

Through the week, I dash between four schools, teaching and taking classes. That's not counting running to the gym and yoga classes. This bread was definitely convenient. But in the long run, it wasn't worth it.

Thanks to the enzymes, I know that even when I'm stressed, I'll be able to get lunch down.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

Um... I Think I'm Cured

No. Seriously. Hear me out.

Finally, a month ago, I did something that "IBS for Dummies" has been telling me to do for the past five years.

I bought psyllium.

And oh my God.

Psyllium is one of nature's gifts for IBS - C. It PULLS water to the colon. It fills the stool with water. It grows puffy and mucusy. It slides out effortlessly.

Psyllium also contains TONS of fiber. So after your stool fills with H20 and gets all puffy, it slips on through the lower extremities, pulling along all the leftover stuff with it.

There's NOTHING left. Inside the guts is CLEAN AS A WHISTLE. But without the toots. ;)

Does this theory actually work? Let me tell you. TMI forthcoming. Beware.

My shits have been MAGNIFICENT.

They are quick. They are satisfying. They are FULL.

I walk out of the bathroom with my fists pumping the air.

The water of the toilet flushes jubilantly behind me.

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL.

Well, it was.

Then the psyllium ran out.

The original place where I got my psyllium is over an hour away, outside the town where I went to college. I had no time to drive up there.

Fortunately, my local market sells psyllium POWDER.

I bought it and did what I always did with the husks. I threw it in my Birchermuesli for breakfast.

The muesli quickly turned into a giant, unchewable blob.

This is what happens when psyllium hits water. It instantly absorbs it. It turns your cereal into a jellyfish.

What now?

For some reason, the husks don't do this in cold cereal. The powder does. I don't know.

Desperate to get my psyllium, I grabbed an old bottle of expired Echinacea pills. I emptied them and began refilling them with the powder. But this also proved to be a disappointment when I measured everything out.

One-two tablespoons is what works best for me, daily.

Do you have any idea how many pills it takes to get that much psyllium in the body?

Thirty.

I didn't give up. I was so in love with my new flat, unbloated tummy, that I took all thirty pills. In between classes, during breaks, at red lights, I was chucking those pills back.

When I had a free second, I went to Whole Foods.

Success! Whole Foods sells psyllium husks!

Don't ask me why. The husks hold up in cold cereal so much better than the powder. If you decide to risk it, don't even mess with warm cereal. Both husks and powder turn into jellyfish.

Eating it at this stage IS A HEALTH HAZARD.

The back of the canister says it: Choking hazard! Put 1-2 tablespoons in 8 ounces of water and drink IMMEDIATELY!

For the past three days, I've been taking 1-2 tablespoons in 16-32 ounces of water every day. That's nearly triple the amount of water the directions ask for. But hey, I don't wanna choke.

Other than psyllium, I'm taking other wonderful stuff too. That's for another blog. To close, I want to tell you a quick story.

The other night, during yoga, I had a little revelation.

Does this happen to anyone else?

I was going from Warrior 2 into Triangle. For the first time, I physically felt my ribcage expand. My heart OPENED. Out of it came this voice.

I will take care of you.

Something just clicked. I know that everything is gonna be okay. I know that I'm gonna figure this out. I'm gonna return to normal.

Because I love myself.

What about you? What do you do? What ways do you give love to yourself?

Dean, Dr. Carolyn. IBS for Dummies. Indianapolis: Wiley Publishing, Inc. 2006.

It Ain't Pepto-Abysmal

Back in August, my little sister Moira moved in with her boyfriend, David. She left the Philly suburbs for Northern New Jersey. Truthfully? I was glad to see her go.

OMG, KIDDING! It sucks. I miss her so much.

Here's an example of life with Moira.

Just chillin' on the couch...

... and WHAM!!! Sneak attack!

I let her pretend to care...

Then I strike back with vengeance!

This is how we are. Two adult women - one twenty-five, the other thirty - who rough-house like little boys.

In the kitchen, she's my cooking pal. Together, we cleave pumpkins and crush oranges and dream of owning ice cream makers and zesters. Every Christmas, we bake cookies. Mine are vegan and look like shit. Hers gleam and sparkle with deliciousness.

"Look, I made cookies," she says, to everyone who enters the kitchen.

Now, Moira's getting married. Last week, she came home to run wedding errands with Mom. The kid's already a little stressed. The first thing she did after she said hi to me was clutch her tummy.

"It's burning," she said, with a cute little pout.

Most people would suggest Pepto-Abysmal. I went into healer mode. I burrowed down into my little food and herb cupboard, looking for good tummy herbs. Then came the tough part.

Moira's told me, many times, that she won't drink any tea that's not fruity.

She's got a cold? I offer nettles. She says no. She's got cramps? I offer raspberry leaf. She shakes her head. Contradictory to it's name, raspberry leaf tea tastes like black tea. It's SCRUMPTIOUS. But not to Mo.

I had to make a fruity tummy-friendly tea. This is what I came up with.

Hot Pink Tummy Tea

1 Palmful Marshmallow Root

1 Palmful Licorice Root

1 Palmful Echinacea

1 Palmful Dried Raspberries

1/2 - 1 Tablespoon Ginger Powder

1 teaspoon Fennel Seed

2 Cups of Water

1/2-1 Cup Unsweetened Rice Milk

3-5 drops Stevia

Sorry to go all Rachael Ray on you. But she's Moira's hero. Plus when I make tea, I use my hands.

Usually when you have acid indegestion or heartburn, you run for Tums. According to most herbalists, antacids like Tums and Rolaids can mess up the pH balance in your stomach. They can kill the good acids that you need in your belly. This makes it harder for you to digest food and handle acidity the next time you eat.

All of the herbs in the Hot Pink Tummy Tea are great for your belly.

• Licorice and marshmallow contain mucilage. They coat your stomach and protect it.
  


• Echinacea is an anti-inflammatory. It quells the burning.
  


• Ginger is a soother that helps you burp up all that acidy gas.
  


• Fennel also gets rid of gas.
  


• Rice restores balance. According to "IBS for Dummies," it helps the stomach and intestines return to their "natural" happy mode.

If you want herbs, but can't get them from your market, there are MANY online herb sellers out there. I get mine at my market, Kimberton Whole Foods. They supply from Frontier. There's also Rosemary Gladstar's Sage Mountain herbs. As you all know, I'm a HUGE fan of Simplers.

So - this whole "Guess what's in the jar" was a contest. Sorry to all of the carrot, goji, kefir and kombucha fans out there! This was just boring ol' tea. But tea that can soothe your tummy when it's out of sorts.

Moira sipped the tea while putting on makeup for her first church appointment. Her first remark? "Yum, it's gooood."

Then after a few minutes, she went, "I feel better already!"

Gotta love a girl who respects the herbs!