FartyGirl Does Lent for Kicks!

How do I say this without sounding like a freak?

I'm a witch.

I mean... you guys all knew that. You had to. All of my rantings about herbs and nature... I mean, it's obvious, right?

I hope we can still be friends.

For the past several months, I've been stuck in - what my Denver BFF calls - a time of adversity. This has been recapped for you in the past few blog posts, the Indulgences series.

Basically - I've been drinking and smoking like a deathwish.

While the craft has been granting me wonderful reprieves from the self destructive misery, I think that it cannot hurt to have help from all around.

Lent is a great opportunity to put my wishes into practice. And it definitely helps to have my partner-in-tutoring, Erica Rose Hopper, doing Lent with me.

This reads:

Cell phone off at work

30 minutes of Internet a day

Only two nights a week "out"

Cigarettes only when "out"

No more playing with old things!!!

The last one is a little bit of an inside joke. Maybe when the smoke has cleared, I can tell that story. It definitely gave me some serious IBS, I tell ya!

Anyway...


What have I been doing since the start of Lent?

Without all of this technology and self-destruction?

GLUTEN FREE BAKING!!!

Gluten Free Popovers!

Recipe: Gluten Free Baking for Dummies

... And gutted with raw cheddar cheese







DEHYDRATING!!!

Raw Buckwheaties

Recipe: Mine!

Forthcoming!

SAUCIN'!!!

Vegan pesto on socca flatbread

Recipe: Mine!

Forthcoming!

The twins' amazing cheeze sauce








HAIRCUTTIN'!!!


The Before

Me, last Wednesday, at Snotty Boy's house

The After.

Me at the farm.

Lookin' a little too hipster for my age...

33!

But whatev.

GETTIN' OVER A COLD!!!

Ginger and spinach smoothie

Is it any surprise that I got sick? With all the indulgin' I've been up to? No matter how hard I try, my body won't let me be an alcoholic.

Thankfully, all I got was a cold.

It's the little things.

To get over this cold, I went against what most of my friends told me. Whiskey, they texted. Meet us at the bar!

I heard the gusts of wind tearing down my country lane and texted back: No.

Instead, I stayed in bed all weekend with my faves: Echinacea tea, Cayenne pepper soup, Quercetin with extra vitamin C, and Braveheart. No Old Crow. No cigarettes.

Two days later - I'm almost all better. Inside and out.

It just goes to show you.

Toots

Did you ever try to be something you are not?

How did you know it wasn't the real you?

Are you doin' Lent?

If so, what you givin' up?

Indulgences: A Recap

What it comes to is this - I have no sense of discipline.

I want chocolate? I eat an Alter Eco bar.







I want a beer? I drink a RedBridge.

....Or three




I want love? Well... what happens next is complicated.

People are not a food.

Lately, I've been indulging myself in anything and everything. Be it choc, alc, or a night out with pals. My bank account is dwindling. Writing projects don't get done. Student papers don't get graded. On a daily basis, I fly by the seat of my farty pants.

But goddammit, I am having fun.

The truth about indulging on IBS is this. It's bad news bears, as my sister Mose would say. Especially when indulging on addictive substances - like tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine. The guts get addicted too. That's why every IBS guide warns against them.



Take it from someone who's currently smoking and drinking to poop.



This is not just my experience. In the ten emails I received from my call for submissions last summer, I found a couple commonalities among us. Nearly every IBSser claimed optimum wellness from eating only whole foods, exercising, and reducing stress.

None of those criteria can be had if you are smoking, drinking, and caffinating.

If you wanna tame your IBS,
You gotta deal in healthy practices.

End of fucking story.

Here's one last indulgence for you - stolen from Sarena. I invite you to copy and post your own answers too. If there's one indulgence that won't hurt IBS, it's this.

14 Random Things!!!

1. Why did you start blogging?
When I explained my diet, people always exclaimed in horror: What do you eat? How do you live? The blog is my way to show 'em. It is possible to live without doughnuts, pasta, pizza, and ice cream, and eat really yummy stuff.

2. What is one food you could never live without?
Probably GT's Kombucha. Is that a food? Seriously, I need one every single day.



3. What is your biggest fear?
Running out of money.


4. Name three things in your bag.
Socks, Everyday Throat Spray, and a wine key.


5. Favorite Ethnic Food.
Mediterranean - hummus, falafel, grape leaves... lemony garlicky goodness!


6. If you could spend 1 month anywhere, where would it be?
Haworth, UK... where the Bronte sisters are from... Despite the tourism, it's maintained the vibe of a chill small town... there are farms and rolling hills... the pubs are filled with rough old guys in the evenings... The moors are the most beautiful place I've ever seen.





7. Favorite recipe found on someone else's blog.
Definitely socca. I make it on a regular basis. Thanks, twins and Eimear and Sarena!





8. When did you last laugh?
Last night hanging with snotty boy and watching Iron Man. When the movie got cheesy, I laughed at it. And I made fun of him for liking it.

FG and Snotty Boy... don't get excited... just good pals

10. What band/album are you most smitten with right now?
I'm more into songs. But when REM's final "Collapse into Now" came out last fall, I listened to it pretty much every single day for months. They have been my favorite band since I was ten. Once, I got to meet them!

FG before FG - the fatty next to Stipe

11. What is the last book you read?
Hunger Games! I loved it at the start. But towards the end, Katniss got a little on my nerves. Not sure if I'm gonna pick up part two.


12. Who is your favorite comedian?
Ardal O'Hanlon. Irish dude. He was on the shows "My Hero" and "Father Ted," and does amazing stand-up as well. He's one of those people who comes off as naturally funny. Like, if you were to hang out with him, he'd be hilarious just being himself. Of course, I don't know him or anything. Check him out on YouTube.




13. Do you have any tattoos?
Four: Gemini symbol, witch's face, nautical star, and the Chinese character for voice.


14. Do you like your middle name?
I have two middle names. My parents gave me Elizabeth. When I was confirmed, I took the name Jean. This is funny, because I was supposed to choose a saint's name, and instead, I took the name of a missionary, Jean Donovan. She was murdered in the eighties in El Salvador.



I don't know... she looked like a nice person in a photo in our religion textbook. And I'm not even Catholic anymore, but I keep the name. My eighth grade teacher Mrs. Watson started calling me Anney E. J. And it stuck. Friends call me AEJR or sometimes just E.J. So yes, when I got my middle name, I became who I am.


And now you know who I am - My name is Anney Elizabeth Jean Ryan.

Now your turn!

Indulge me in some random facts about you!

Chocolate Breakfast

Chocolate is in trouble. Again. Apparently it's the new victim of tree blight in Latin America. Last year, you may recall, I reported on the price of chocolate skyrocketing.

So if ever there was a reason to incorporate chocolate into every meal of the day, it's now!

This is chocolate breakfast. It happens every morning. As an IBSser, I find the smooth light breakfast to be perfect for my just woken tum. The chocolate is an added bonus - caffeine!

Why drink coffee when you can eat chocolate???

With that, I give you...

Chocolate Breakfast

Roast white sweet potatoes in coconut oil and salt

Puree potatoes in cuis with chocolate, stevia, and honey or agave













Eat with spoon.

Layer with stevia-sweetened yogurt!

Obviously, the measurements make the experience of chocolate breakfast what it needs to be.

1 sweet potato



equals



2 Tablespoons of chocolate



10 drops of stevia



and



1 teaspoon of honey or agave

Add almond milk to the desired consistency. Above, we've got puddin'. Below...

... Chocolate icing!!!!

I mean srsly... what chica hasn't sat down with a tub of icing and gone to town. With chocolate breakfast, you can make that dream a reality... a HEALTHY REALITY!!!

For Valentine's Day, I...

...Bought myself an array of gluten free flours and starches for baking!!!!

...Went for a long-ass run!!!

...FINALLY removed someone from my life who was no effing good for me!!!

What did YOU do to celebrate Vomitous Day?

Wino Forever

FG and DB, NYE 2011

Last night, while hanging at the fire company, I received a text message from my brother, Dainty Bones.

"Girl drunks aren't as cool as guy drunks," he wrote. "Just a fact of life."

Is this true?

When it comes to female drinkers, I have two very different personas in my head.



The first - Mari Hoff from Little Voice. She's sloppy, selfish, and abusive. She chases after piece of shit guys. Then when they diss her, she cries - Loud and in public.






The second - Mum Fuller in "Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight." Every night, she drinks liquor and wine and sits on the picnic table in her backyard. She listens to music and looks out into the African skies.







What kind of drinker am I? I have been both kinds. Drinking is my drug of choice. If I could get work done on a buzz, I'd drink every day. Hell, I do drink almost every day. But drinking is not always what I want to be doing. Many nights, I drink because I am IBSsy.








If I have an acidy belly, I hit up the RedBridge. It helps me burp up the gassies. And it helps soothe the burny feeling too.








If I have a bloated belly, I hit up the vino. It quells the farts. It also helps settle the food in my belly. Jalapeno vino (pictured above) is one of the best digestives I've ever slurped. Too bad it costs like 25 bucks a bottle!

A random and rare gluteny feast at the fire co.

RedBridge and Guinness help the bloat too, I've found. At the end of those days when I can't digest anything, a beer will perk me up. It will fill me. It will help me go #2. And then, I can eat like a normal person.

I don't know why it works. But it's one of the few tricks that works every time.

Wait, you may be thinking, Guinness? How can you drink Guinness, you gluten-free farter?

A few years ago, I read on the internet that gluten intolerants can sometimes handle Guinness. This is because Guinness is wheat free, not gluten free. So I gave it a try. And I felt fine.

FG, a Guinness, and a robot

BUT - like with smoking - the guts can become dependent on alcohol. Mine have. Like with smoking, my regularity is all effed up. Drinking tends to turn my IBS-C into IBS-D. The day after, I can't go. IBS-C starts up all over again.

So, does this mean I'm going to quit?

Nope.

Cut down?

Yes.

Right now, I'm having fun. That hasn't always been the case in my adult life. So fuck it. Life ain't gonna be like this forever.

Hurricane Monopoly during Hurricane Irene

Toots




Do you drink?


Why or why not?



If so, what's your fave drank?



Drug of choice?

Indulge Me, I'm a Smoking Hot Bitch...

Valentine's Day is next week.

Ugh.

As a chronically and preferably single player, I don't see the holiday as being for "lovers." I think of Valentine's Day and I think of chocolate. I think of vino. I think of pancakes for breakfast and raw cheese for lunch.

I think - indulgence.

So for the next two weeks - I give you a series on IBS and indulgences.

The first? Smoking.



Why smoking? Because I smoke. I started up again a few months ago. And I've got something to say about it.

The first time I smoked a cigarette I was fourteen. In our rollerblades, my best friend and I clomped to the shed behind my parents' house. Safely absconded, she pulled out a pack of Merit Ultra Lights that she’d stolen from her father.

Me as bad girl

Merits! Ugh!

I kept it up for ten years. During that time, I can honestly say – I never was addicted. I know this, because I quit easily. I just stopped. Pushing 140 pounds and suffering from constant colds, I needed to start running and getting healthy. Sure, in the beginning, in social situations – at the bar, the diner, the coffeeshop, I bummed one or two off friends. But they were few and far between. In between? There was no need, no aggin’, no missing. Quitting smoking was EASY.



So why did I start again? Oh, there are a million reasons why. One is the most logical and simple. Half of a pack ended up in my possession. There’s the rub. POSSESSION. That half a pack was MINE. I carried around that perfect little box in my bag – and every time I looked at it, I remembered what it feels like to not give a fuck.

Forgive me, but after years of being a health Nazi - it's a nice change.

Workin' on the farm...

Smoking lists the top of the trigger list in every IBS book. Is it really as horrible for IBS as the books say?

Yes. And no.

Smoking is comforting. It begins when I pull out the box, feel it between my fingers, and open it up. The cigarettes are all lined up inside perfectly white and foamy. A smoke goes between my fingers and with a free thumb and forefinger, I extract the lighter. There is the familiar sound of flicking, a match catching, paper sizzling up.

The drag, the headrush – you can keep that. I never liked getting stoned. That swirly sicky feeling sucks.

Beards, beers, smokes...

Smoking feels like a friend. Nights on my porch, I drink Redbridge and stare out at the barn, digging into my brain. My daddy, a lifelong runner, always tells me to go for a run to figure shit out. I'm sorry - but no amount of running has done for me like sitting, smoking, and thinking.


Smoking makes time stop. When I’m out on the porch with my cigarette, the smoke swirls around me and I’m locked in that moment. I look out at the barn or up at the tree limbs over my head or the stars up in the sky. There are plans being sketched in my head – whether it be to get over a lost love or what I’m going to write about next. Either way, my eyes sink into the darkness of the night and my mind wanders through the darkness of my mind. I have time to search for an answer. I have time.

The barn...

Finally? Smoking makes me go. I'm talking about #2. Nearly every time I smoke a cigarette, I run to the bathroom immediately afterwards.

When I first noticed this, I was ecstatic. Anytime I have an episode, I thought, I can smoke a cigarette and flush myself out! Yeah, if only it was that simple.

Within a few short weeks, my regularity went irregular. No more did I have the morning #2. No more did I have the post-afternoon tea #2. The only time was in the evening, after the first or second cigarette. At the bar...

The photographer ran to the bathroom, immediately after snapping this great shot of Dainty Bones

So - what have I learned? Even colons get addicted to smoking!

Right now - I'm in the middle of one of the worst PMS-IBS attacks in months. Nothing - not even my failsafe intestinal soothers - are being digested. Because I'm not digesting anything, I'm not getting any nutrients. Yesterday, I nearly passed out twice.

I can't help but wonder if it's because of smoking. This is why IBS books claim smoking is so bad for IBS. Like coffee, nicotine causes the guts to go all spazzy and out of whack. Foods hit the belly and are not digested in the guts. The guts bounce the food around like a trampoline. What happens next? Farts.



Does this mean that I will quit? No. Not anytime soon. Not even after looking at the picture above. Not even when my Nurse Brother tells me that it's the one cause of every horrible disease known to man. There's a sense of disconnect that I'm completely aware of. Right now, it's helping me more than it's hurting me.

I will stop. But not yet. At the moment, I feel like I need a little more time. To just... think.

Toots


What's your favorite indulgence?

What do you do that's "bad" for you?