Farty Girl

Indulge Me, I'm a Smoking Hot Bitch...

2012-02-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is next week.

Ugh.

As a chronically and preferably single player, I don't see the holiday as being for "lovers." I think of Valentine's Day and I think of chocolate. I think of vino. I think of pancakes for breakfast and raw cheese for lunch.

I think - indulgence.

So for the next two weeks - I give you a series on IBS and indulgences.

The first? Smoking.

Why smoking? Because I smoke. I started up again a few months ago. And I've got something to say about it.

The first time I smoked a cigarette I was fourteen. In our rollerblades, my best friend and I clomped to the shed behind my parents' house. Safely absconded, she pulled out a pack of Merit Ultra Lights that she’d stolen from her father.

Me as bad girl

Merits! Ugh!

I kept it up for ten years. During that time, I can honestly say – I never was addicted. I know this, because I quit easily. I just stopped. Pushing 140 pounds and suffering from constant colds, I needed to start running and getting healthy. Sure, in the beginning, in social situations – at the bar, the diner, the coffeeshop, I bummed one or two off friends. But they were few and far between. In between? There was no need, no aggin’, no missing. Quitting smoking was EASY.

So why did I start again? Oh, there are a million reasons why. One is the most logical and simple. Half of a pack ended up in my possession. There’s the rub. POSSESSION. That half a pack was MINE. I carried around that perfect little box in my bag – and every time I looked at it, I remembered what it feels like to not give a fuck.

Forgive me, but after years of being a health Nazi - it's a nice change.

Workin' on the farm...

Smoking lists the top of the trigger list in every IBS book. Is it really as horrible for IBS as the books say?

Yes. And no.

Smoking is comforting. It begins when I pull out the box, feel it between my fingers, and open it up. The cigarettes are all lined up inside perfectly white and foamy. A smoke goes between my fingers and with a free thumb and forefinger, I extract the lighter. There is the familiar sound of flicking, a match catching, paper sizzling up.

The drag, the headrush – you can keep that. I never liked getting stoned. That swirly sicky feeling sucks.

Beards, beers, smokes...

Smoking feels like a friend. Nights on my porch, I drink Redbridge and stare out at the barn, digging into my brain. My daddy, a lifelong runner, always tells me to go for a run to figure shit out. I'm sorry - but no amount of running has done for me like sitting, smoking, and thinking.

Smoking makes time stop. When I’m out on the porch with my cigarette, the smoke swirls around me and I’m locked in that moment. I look out at the barn or up at the tree limbs over my head or the stars up in the sky. There are plans being sketched in my head – whether it be to get over a lost love or what I’m going to write about next. Either way, my eyes sink into the darkness of the night and my mind wanders through the darkness of my mind. I have time to search for an answer. I have time.

The barn...

Finally? Smoking makes me go. I'm talking about #2. Nearly every time I smoke a cigarette, I run to the bathroom immediately afterwards.

When I first noticed this, I was ecstatic. Anytime I have an episode, I thought, I can smoke a cigarette and flush myself out! Yeah, if only it was that simple.

Within a few short weeks, my regularity went irregular. No more did I have the morning #2. No more did I have the post-afternoon tea #2. The only time was in the evening, after the first or second cigarette. At the bar...

The photographer ran to the bathroom, immediately after snapping this great shot of Dainty Bones

So - what have I learned? Even colons get addicted to smoking!

Right now - I'm in the middle of one of the worst PMS-IBS attacks in months. Nothing - not even my failsafe intestinal soothers - are being digested. Because I'm not digesting anything, I'm not getting any nutrients. Yesterday, I nearly passed out twice.

I can't help but wonder if it's because of smoking. This is why IBS books claim smoking is so bad for IBS. Like coffee, nicotine causes the guts to go all spazzy and out of whack. Foods hit the belly and are not digested in the guts. The guts bounce the food around like a trampoline. What happens next? Farts.

Does this mean that I will quit? No. Not anytime soon. Not even after looking at the picture above. Not even when my Nurse Brother tells me that it's the one cause of every horrible disease known to man. There's a sense of disconnect that I'm completely aware of. Right now, it's helping me more than it's hurting me.

I will stop. But not yet. At the moment, I feel like I need a little more time. To just... think.

Toots

What's your favorite indulgence?

What do you do that's "bad" for you?

Ayurveda for IBS

2012-01-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

Maybe two years ago, I discovered that I am vata dosha. I took this quiz. It told me this: I'm nervous, high strung, cold-blooded, with terrible digestion problems.

Like, duh.

Doesn't this sound like the classic IBSser?! I got the idea that if I ate, following the vata diet, I might be able to help my IBS. And you know what?

It worked pretty awesome.

Nothing's perfect, but this is definitely worth checking out. So many IBSsy bloggers argue for raw food eating or blood type eating. Not to talk bad on that - but I gotta suggest checking out your dosha.

One of the best foods for live wire vata doshas?

SOUP!!!!

Garlicky Romaine Soup

Ingredients
1 box of vegetable broth
2 hearts of romaine
1-2 tomatoes chopped
1/2 yellow onion
2-3 cloves of garlic

Leeks... Carrots... Zukes... Peppers...
Whatever the eff you like!!!

Instructions
Chop veggies.
Throw into pot with broth.
Get jawn simmering.
(How you do that depends on your stove.)
Turn stove top down to low.
Let soup cook for 1 hour.
Nom.

Toots

What's your dosha?

What do you think about the whole ayurveda thang?

What is your favorite soothing satisfying meal?

The Gluten-Free McGriddle

2012-01-08T08:27:00.000-08:00

Back in the day when I ate shitty, McDonald's was never something I agged for. It was pizza, oreos, tastykakes. Then, around 2003, they invented the McGriddle.

With it's syrup-encrusted fluffy pancakes and rich cheesy middles, the McGriddle won my heart. I love the combination of sweet and salty in this sandwich. BUT - I knew, as everybody does, that the McGriddle was bad news bears for my body.

So I ate two, maybe three, back in 2004. Then I gave them up.

Until now!!!

How to make a gluten free McGriddle is pretty damn easy. Follow my pancake recipe. While the pancakes are on the skillet, drizzle syrup on the uncooked gooey part. Then flip!

Check out the swirly syrupy top!

The cheese is raw and made by my local Mennonite pals. The eggs are local free range. The funny thing?

I felt pretty sick after I ate it!!!!

HA!

What do you think, IBSsers?

I'm betting it was the combination of eggs and carbs, which I rarely do. I was shaky hungry prior - so it wasn't like I nommed this on an already full stomach. Either way - my mouth said YES. It was worth it, though I doubt I'll make it again!

Pizza Pizza Kale Chips!!!!

2012-01-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

These kale chips taste like pizza.

For real, for real.

In high school I worked at Little Caesar's pizza. Do you remember them?

Pizza continues to be my favorite food. But it doesn't work well with my tummy. Even when I do make it gluten and dairy free.

Enter kale chips.

Kale chips rarely bother my stomach. When they are made with a nut or seedy cheese topping, they fill me up to the perfect amount for breakfast or lunch. They also give me energy!

Here are some of the reasons why kale makes you feel stronger than meat!

Here's the nutritional data.

And here's a recipe for pizza kale chips!!!

Pizza Kale Chips

Ingredients
1 bunch of rinsed kale
1 cup soaked cashews or almonds
juice from 1 and 1/2 lemon
1-2 nubbins of garlic
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1/4 cup tahini
1 tablespoon evoo
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon basil
1/4 teaspoon sea salt

Instructions
Process everything except kale in a food processor
Pour over kale in a big bowl
Massage the sauce onto the kale with fingers
Place into dehydrator at 125 degrees
Let dehydrate for 6-8 hours
OR
Place into oven at lowest setting
Let dehydrate for 3-4 hours

This recipe can be used to make a savory dressing for salads. If left massaged on the kale for a few hours, the kale will wilt and be pliable enough to eat raw as is! So this recipe works for a raw pizza flavored salad too!

Why does kale do good for IBS? I'm fucked if I know.

Toots

What did you do for the new year?

What's your favorite tummy-friendly vegetable?

Pancake Christmas

2011-12-30T05:53:00.000-08:00

Look what my pal Robyn from Go Indie scored me for Christmas?! Isn't she sweet? It was one of those moments when I wasn't expecting a gift at all. Robyn said, "Oh, it's a dummies book." But I've found the Dummies books to be written by legit heads who know a shitload of great information.

Take my fave, the brilliant and inspirational Alexandra Jamieson, who penned...

The Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids lists Paganism for Dummies as a great first step in learning about Druidism and Witchcraft.

Don't laugh! It's cool, I swear!

And for the past 3 years, I've gone back to my IBS for Dummies whenever I need support for some tip or nutritional fact that I've posted on this blog!

SO - As soon as I got home with Gluten Free Baking for Dummies, I curled up into bed with it and read it cover to cover.

Not to make myself sound too awesome - BUT I'd already come up with my glorious new pancake recipe BEFORE I got this book. The neat thing is, a lot of what they talk about in this book is what I discovered about gluten free baking by gluten free baking.

I started with Sarena's recipe... (the original post I'm unable to find - Sorry Sarena!)

1 cup gluten free flour
1 cup water
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
pinch of salt

Then I added a couple tricks...

FartyGirl's Allergy-Free Pancakes

Ingredients

1/3 cup white rice flour
1/3 cup millet flour
1/3 cup buckwheat fl0ur
1 Tablespoon NuNaturals More Fiber Stevia Baking Blend
2 Tablespoons flax seed meal
2 Tablespoons tahini or nut butter
1 cup water
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/8 teaspoon sea salt
10 drops stevia (optional)

Instructions
Whisk flours, flax seed meal, baking blend, baking powder, and salt
Add water, tahini, vanilla, and stevia
Stir until not clumpy
Stir and taste test for goodness!
Add more stevia or salt, if you want...
Drop onto skillet
Watch bubbles form
Flip!

NOM!

... still working on the berry syrup recipe...

Look how fluffy and bready!

Here's what I learned - over the past four years - about making vegan gluten free pancakes.

Don't bother with eggs. Eggs DO NOT make pancakes any fluffier. They actually make them MORE dense. I don't know why.

Different flours yield different results. This is because flours weigh different weights! Corn and millet is one of my favorite combinations - making a very bready bubbly pancake. Although, it's not really allergy free.

More liquid is NECESSARY when baking gluten free. When I first saw Sarena's recipe, I was like: Equal cups water and flour? Really? YES, REALLY. Gluten-free flours soak up water very quickly.

Toots

NOW - your turn!

What do you know about going gluten free?

Lemony Christmas

2011-12-28T08:18:00.000-08:00

On Christmas, I was aggin' so bad about the cat! What I really wanted to post was this - Iris' Cream Cheese cookies. These cookies made my holiday! Thanks, Iris!

The first time I made them, I copied Iris' presentation.

But they just didn't look as pretty as hers!

So I topped them with icing...

... and a little raw sugar.

But - as you can imagine - they got mad messy!

And that's how they became lemony sandwich cookies.

Check out Iris' recipe. It's incredibly easy and accessible. No surprise that she's got her own cookbook coming out soon!!!

While these cookies are not nut-free, they are dairy, soy, and gluten free. Recently the Huffington Post posted this article about why it's important to go gluten free, even if you are only intolerant. This struck me, occasional Guinness drinker that I am, to take my indulgences a little more seriously.

That's why these sammies got made! I thought: It's Christmas. My fucking cat is dead. I deserve a cookie, goddammit.

My non-allergic family nommed the lemony on Christmas. They described them as cakey and good. That's a compliment in my book. Gee-Mommy-Clair, the pickiest of the pickies, called them, "Delicious!"

See Iris for the cookies. All I got is icing.

Vegan Soy-free Lemony Icing

Ingredients
1 cup cashews, soaked for 4 hours
juice of 1 lemon
2 tablespoons melted coconut oil
1 tablespoon agave nectar
1/8 teaspoon sea salt
15-20 drops stevia

Directions
Put everything in a food processor.
Process it.
Spoon onto cookies.
Sandwich the bitches together.
Refrigerate for a couple hours.

Christmas, Cookies, and the Missing Kitty

2011-12-26T05:32:00.000-08:00

Christmas came to FartyGirl town with lots of DRINKING. That was last week - Tuesday, Thursday, and a little on Friday. This is my pal Wild Bill. He dressed up like Santa and stopped into the Fire Company. The resemblance is scary, isn't it?

On Christmas eve, I woke up at six am to make these cookies. The recipe was posted on Iris' The Daily Dietribe a couple weeks ago. It just so happened that I had ALL of the necessary ingredients.

After packing up Yoshi with presents and food, I called my parents to see if they needed me to stop at any stores on my way home. My daddy answered the phone. "We're having the Griswold Family Christmas over here," he said.

The night before, he'd been bringing in the tree. Our eighteen-year-old cat, Elmo, darted out the door and disappeared into the night. My parents promptly grabbed flashlights and ran out after him. But he was long gone.

This is weird. In all of his eighteen years, Elmo has never run away from the house. He's escaped many times, but only as far as the porch, or the neighbor's porch.

It's also weird because he's so freakin' old. Elmo is on three different kinds of medication for an effed up thyroid that gives him horrific seizures. Over the past six months, he hasn't darted anywhere. He stopped going up to the second floor of the house. He stopped jumping on windowsills. His fur was riddled with dreadlocks, as he'd stopped grooming himself.

You get where I'm going with this?

Not to be outdone, when I got home, I ran out into the backyard. I stood on the porch, punched my fist into the air and declared to my family: "I'm gonna find this fucking kitty!"

And into the yard I went. I crawled under every bush and brush and tree. I got prickers stuck in my tights and poo all over my shoes. I looked for the better part of an hour.

I did not find Elmo.

Elmo is gone.

So what next? Christmas had to happen. My sister Mose was on her way home. Her two favorite things?

Christmas...

... and Elmo.

What could we do but carry on as usual and be grateful for what we have?

A house... right?

Not everybody has one of those!

Food and togetherness and stuff...

New family members who just happen to fit right in...

(Mose's new husband Occifer David!)

... my brother, finally reaching the end of a long tough road...

... chocolate, lavender soap, vino, and kale chips...

... being the only one with an embroidered stocking...

HA!

... and having known him.

It sounds weird - but I learned a lot about loss this Christmas. There was nothing stopping Elmo from going. So what can I be sad about? He took his life, or lack thereof, into his own hands (errr... paws...) and did what he wanted to with it. He went into the backyard.

Sanitarium Apothecarian

2011-12-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Over the summer at the Fire Company, my friends and I were giving each other theme songs. We figured out the theme songs by changing the lyrics and making them fit the person. My ex-boyfriend's was Notorious by Biggie Smalls. Instead of "Notorious," we sang "Impervious." Basically, we were making fun of the fact that he's kind of a dick.

My song was "Apothecarian," sung to the tune of Metallica's "Sanitarium." Listen to the song. You can hear it: A-poth-a-carian!

The song came to me because that's what I did all last summer. I was an apothecarian at the greatest health food store in the world - Kimberton Whole Foods.

KWF is not connected with the Whole Foods chain in any way. The store began as a local dairy attached to the Kimberton Waldorf school, back in the seventies. In a short time, the store became the purveyor of local organic food. Today, they have opened four stores in southeastern PA. They have the BEST selection of organic allergy-free local food in the area.

The home base, the Kimberton Kimberton Whole Foods, is 2 minutes from my parents' house. The store sells all local produce, as well as goods from my favorite local raw cafe, Oasis. There's a cafe that makes the best hummus I've ever had, raw vegan lasagna, and a variety of green smoothies.

Chef Dave... who thinks my brother Matthew's name is Jason... but makes up for it with his amazing Portuguese fish chowder!

In the apothecary is a crew of bio majors, certified nutritionists, and moms who really know their shit. They can find the right supplement for almost any ailment. AND in the same breath, they will suggest an organic allergen-free shampoo to make your hair silky and shiny!

Simply put - KWF kicks Whole Foods ass around the goddamn corner and back again.

Already a dork for them, I worried that working for KWF would change my feelings. Not so. The job did not disappoint. By not disappoint - I mean it was MY FAVORITE JOB EVERRRRR!

With that - I give you what I learned working in the apothecary... or as my pal Matt and I came to call it, when we were facing the aisles and speaking in cheeky British accents, the apothy. This is the innards of the little red book that I carried with me to and from work every day...

that I filled with scribbles and notes...

... about whatever nutritional info I learned that day.

This is one messy list... good luck navigating it!

Ashwaganda - fun to spell, fun to say. It's an ayurvedic herb that's amazing for fighting chronic fatigue and menopause. Other great uppers for energy? B vitamins!

Co-Q10 - Coenzyme-10 or Ubiquinone. This transforms food into adenosine triphosphate (ATP), the energy on which the body runs... great for heart problems, migraines, and gum disease. I've personally nommed on some chewable probiotics that contained Co-Q10 and FELT the up of my energy kick in immediately.

Vitamin D2 is synthetic animal-free D, for vegetarians and vegans. Most nutritionists will agree that D3, which is usually not vegetarian, is best - next to sunlight of course. Once past infancy, the dosage is 600 IUs a day. However, most nutritionists currently suggest double or triple that. Thirty minutes of sunlight three times a week will do the trick as well.

Megafood and New Chapter are two of the only companies to make whole food supplements - vitamins and minerals that come from food and herbs. And believe me, you can feel the difference. Go whole food. The pills taste better anyway.

Every pregnant lady is told to take folic acid. In actuality, folate is what they should be taking. Folic acid is a synthetic form of folate, and not as accessible by the body. It is incredibly hard to find folate in supplements. Brands like Megafood sell it. But typically, the only place to find folate is in foods - leafy greens and beans. Basically, if you are eating healthy, you are getting the folate you need. Why is folate so great? It helps drive red blood cells and repairs DNA.

Best kid flu fighter? Oscillococcinum. All the apothies gave their kiddos this during flu season. Elderberry syrup is another good one.

Dr. Oz! Oh you! You had us watching your show - just so we could stay on top of all the orders coming in. Thanks to Dr. Oz, women flooded the apothy, wanting Konjak root, sea buckthorn juice, and white kidney bean extract to lose weight. At first, I floundered through their orders, because I couldn't find this stuff on the shelf. Then I found out we had it all - just under different names. Konjak root is also called glucomannan. White kidney bean extract can be found in most carb blockers.

Want to lose weight? Add protein to your diet. Not protein powder. Apothecarian Amy says hemp seeds. Get the complete whole food. I did. Check out the results in this post.
More protein helps you lose weight.

Don't bother taking selenium pills. The daily dosage of selenium can be found in TWO brazil nuts. No joke. Isn't that crazy?

Looking for a good pain reliever? Xylaflamend is amazing.

Working in the apothy helped me supplement myself too. Now, I take a host of vitamins, minerals, and enzymes to heal all sorts of crap wrong with my body. What am I into? More importantly, what are the other apothecarians taking?

Check back next week and I'll tell ya!!!

It's Not a Sandwich. It's a Womanwich.

2011-12-06T12:11:00.000-08:00

Hey, allergy-free pals! Amy made us some sandwich rounds.

Aaaand... Amy sent me two boxes to review!

First thing I did? Made a burger, of course.

The rounds fit a Sunshine burger perfectly.

The tops are smooth with that bun-like crust. Inside is bready and soft. The edges are crispy, like a buttery biscuit.

Check out this pizza!

...Crispy, buttery edges!!!

A more plainer burger... the textural loveliness very obvious...

Of course, Amy didn't put no butter or gluten or soy into her rounds. She knows what's up. Instead the ingredients include the simple white rice flour and olive oil.

Processed foods can always be dressed up with homemade hummus and raw veggies!

The rounds even work well for breakfast! And not just a savory eggy breakfast! A sweet, molasses-dripped breakfast...

Look for them in the stores!

Even though I don't eat processed food that often, I'll keep these in the freezer for those special days. IBS-speaking, there are days when my stomach really calms down to bland bready food.

Of course, there are days when I just want a freakin' sandwich too.

Toots

What's your favorite processed food???

Tonic #5: Everyday Greens!

2011-11-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

Do we have room for one more?

This cure/tonic for IBS has come to me from my mommy. Recently, I discovered that I've inherited my cloggy guts from her. So one random day, I mentioned feeling particularly IBS-Cy.

Her advice? Eat a salad!

And this, from a woman who is VERY picky about her greens.

What I tell her is this - it's SO easy to incorporate greens into the diet. She doesn't wanna hear it, because she likes what she likes and that's that. She's got her way of eating greens and sticks with it. So! Since I can't lecture her anymore, I'll lecture YOU.

BREAKFAST GREENS

This is a spinach and sweet potato parfait - that tastes like vanilla and chocolate. Here's what I did - the green parts are spinach and yogurt with stevia. The chocolate parts are cacao, maca, mesquite, and sweet potato with stevia. Slops of almond milk made everything smooth.

Layer this jawn up - and you've got sweet greens for breakfast. If you can believe it, the green layers were the tastiest part.

Kale chips are my new favorite breakfast food. In the mornings, it's hard for me to digest anything too hearty - like oats. Kale chips, sprinkled with nooch and sesame seeds, have just the right amount of heft to wake me up and sustain me, without making me feel weighed down. If you follow me on Facebook, you've heard me cry that kale chips are great happy mood makers.

Here's one of my favorite weekend breakfasts. It's scrambled eggs with spinach, tomatoes, onions and mushrooms, topped with Kimberton Whole Food hummus. There's lots of good tummy-friendly spices on the scramble - like cumin and paprika. Stevia-sweetened cacao milk pairs up GREAT with the savory scramble too.

Check out my mommy's sexy leg in the background!

Here's the standard breakfast scramble - the greens doubled up with a collard wrap. Double your greens and double your energy and double your number twos!!!

GREEN AT LUNCH

I love broccoli sprouts! They are very chill sprouts, not too bitter, but still with that crunchy watery sprout taste. Here, I've got sprouts wrapped up in homemade raw flaxmeal bread with spinach and brazil nut butter. With a little sea salt and pepper, this is a refreshing light sammie for IBSsers.

I don't know about you, but I'm mad particular about my greens. Give me spinach raw. Give me kale dehydrated. Give me collards as wraps. Swiss chard? It's gotta be sauteed with tomatoes and large chunks of garlic. Often, I'll make some for dinner. Then I'll toss it in a jar and cart it along to school for lunch the next day. After a day of sitting in garlic and evoo, the greens are so savory, falling apart in my mouth with deliciousness.

Whole foods salad bars are so expensive. But they are also totally worth it. Where else can you get a salad with field greens, kale, swiss chard, red onions, brussel sprouts, and artichokes - ALL IN ONE? Answer: Nowhere.

Very rarely do I have enough room to stomach a sandwich for lunch. When I do, I make it a socca sammie. Socca is chickpea flour flatbread, and it can be made in numerous ways. Here, I've got raw mozzarella cheese with broccoli and socca. It's not exactly easy to eat, but the flavors complement each other, in a Frenchy Italian type way.

GREEN SNACKS

Since I've got horrible IBS, I try to not eat between meals. When I do get hungry, I try to drink my snacks. This trick has made an enormous difference in my digestive health.

This fresh juice contains only a massive amount of kale and chard, cucumber, and parsley. When I picked it up at Whole Foods, I wasn't expecting much. I hate cucumber, to be honest with you. But this juice - WOW!!!! This juice made me like cucumber. It's that good.

Here's one of my favorite green drinks - spinach, basil, and coconut water. Like the juice above, this is an incredible refresher in the summer months. It's also very taming for the stomach. As I've said before, herbs like basil, parsley, and thyme have been much more effective for my IBS, rather than the often hailed savior peppermint. Screw the peppermint. Go basil. Look how bright and limey it is!

Here's a tropical kale smoothie I get whenever I visit my local Informed Smoothies. It IS the best kale smoothie I've ever had, including any one I've made on my own. Kale smoothies rarely puree this well. Usually, there's a cloudy layer of fibers that rise to the top. I guess that's what makes those bitches so freakin' informed?

GREEN AT NIGHT

Lately, in an effort to get more work done, I've been eating two dinners. First dinner is always green. It's roasted brussel sprouts...

... or it's broccoli dipped in cashew cheese and oregano.

Eating less for dinner keeps me awake longer, so I can get work done. I'll snack on these greens around like four or five o'clock. Then I'll do work. Then around seven or eight...

...It's potato hour!!!

When I'm really hungry and want a full meal for dinner, I'll mix and match grains and greens. Grains are almost always necessary for me to eat at the end of the day. If I don't, then I don't sleep.

Insomnia I've battled far longer than IBS, and is much more of an enemy to my sanity.

This is just a simple peppery brown rice and collard wrap... quick and easy... on the go, especially, as you can tell by the guest appearance of Yoshi the Yaris in the background.

Here's a classic toasted sandwich, made with Udi's bread, hummus, Amy's Sonoma burger, and ripped up collard leaves. Eating bread is okay sometimes, I think, as long as I stuff it with lots of greens!!!!

Lastly, one of my prettiest creations ever - roasted portabello with torn collards inside chickpea curry pancakes.

My favorite thing is green VERSATILITY.

If you think about what you love to eat and greenify it - it is SO EASY to incorporate them in every single meal. So if you are looking to get things moving in your guts, think green. But make sure you enjoy what you are eating! Goddamnit!

Toots

What's your favorite way to eat greens?

I Have Been Wasting Water

2011-11-17T13:06:00.001-08:00

... Because I found the bar soap of my dreams!!!

Y'know how sometimes shit calls to you?

Shit calls to me.

This soap has been calling to me.

Last year, I went on a crusade to find cruelty free soap that didn't leave my skin waxy and dry. I let out a cry on this blog, hoping to find my inbox inundated with free soap samples. Yeah, that didn't happen.

And like the lazy loser I am...

... (i.e. smoking the occasional cigarette), I gave up pretty fast...

... But this soap kept calling to me.

All last year, mine eyes ran up and down the soap aisles of my local market. They always landed on Sappo Hill's pretty cardboard boxes and perfectly cut spheres of bright ivory, purple and green. The soaps felt cold and soft in my hand. They smelled like real stuffs! Real oats! Real aloe! Real lavender.

All last summer as an apothecarian, I faced and organized the soaps. When Sappo Hill came in, I loved to tear off the top of the box and run my fingers down the stack. They fit so neatly and compactly on the shelf. The packaging made my job easier!

So why didn't I purchase it sooner?

Because Sappo Hill soaps cost only around a buck-fitty. How the hell, I wondered, could good soap be so cheap? It will be like the rest, I thought. It will leave my skin scaly and waxy and gross.

How wrong I was.

This soap is the ONLY bar soap I've ever used that does not leave my skin feeling sticky or dry. It makes NO sense to me - because it doesn't have any different ingredients from any other soap I've tried. It is VEGAN and CRUELTY FREE. It comes with no packaging, so it's green. AND for what you get, IT'S FUCKING CHEAP!

Thanks for washing the guilt outta my shower, Sappo Hill!

Tonic #4: Snacks n' Stuff

2011-11-09T14:25:00.000-08:00

I lost ten pounds. I think it happened in August? Maybe September? I don't know; I wasn't trying. All I know is this: My life got so incredibly full of adventure and excitement that I didn't think about food at all!!!

And my IBS disappeared.

Over the past five years, I've worked towards two goals - curing my IBS and losing ten pounds. To meet these goals, I've cut allergens. I've cut fatty foods. I've cut sugar. This is what I've read to do. This is what all the nutritionistas tell me.

But y'know what?

All the little diet tricks DIDN'T WORK!

Not drinking?

photo by elizabeth rooney

DIDN'T WORK!!!!

Not eating dairy?

DIDN'T WORK!!!

Not eating sugar?

DIDN'T WORK.

Finally I gave up. I drank. I cheesed. I sugared. I did EVERYTHING I wasn't supposed to.

And I still lost ten pounds.

See?

In sister's wedding in July...

Presto! Change-o!

Planting garlic mid-September at the farm where I live...

It's crazy in't it? And I didn't even try!

So here's what I think happened...

1. I'm eating mostly veggies.

Cacao sweet potatoes for breakfast...

Brussel sprouts...

or soaked kelp for lunch...

For dinner...

...Potato hour!

Food is no longer political to me. It's full of nutrients and calories. While a Yukon Gold potato may not contain as many hip nutrients as an avocado, it does contain 200 less calories. When it comes to IBS and losing weight, that makes all the difference.

2. I've been snacky.

Butternut squash soup. It's lunch. It's enough. Onward!

Green juices DO fill me up...

and are VERY cleansing!

3. I've been eating more protein.

Raw sesame flaxbread with spinach and raw cheddar cheese

Over the summer, I worked in an apothecary. I complained about being cold and wanting to lose weight. "Kill two birds with one stone!" said my pal, my hero, the big sister of my dreams, Amy. She suggested I eat more protein. So I did.

Again - it's all about calorie intake. A big cup of Greek yogurt contains less cals than a tablespoon of almond butter. And I digest the yogurt easier. I get more protein out of the yogurt.

Sorry, vegan and non-dairy pals. Not tryna be a poseur. I'm just a girl on a crusade to stop farting. Right now, this is working!

4. I've been moving, not eating.

Hoin' it up!!!

Basically - Instead of obsessing over meals, I'm thinking about work, how much time it will take to do said work - that's what's the king of the hill of my mind!

Eating less truly does help abate IBS.

Toots

What's your favorite snack?

What's your favorite exercise?

Tonic #3: Alone

2011-11-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the butterflies in your stomach are real?

No, really. Your stomach is naturally filled with chrysalis. Thousands of them. When nervous, they begin to pupate and shake. Suddenly, hatching! Butterflies release into the pink tunnels of your guts.

If you are like me - you run to the bathroom.

This was not the tonic #3 I originally planned. But sometimes shit happens. And by shit, I mean, love.

But this is a food and butt blog?!

Where is there room for the heart?

Well, if I consider what most upper GI specialists preach, then this blog is ALL about the heart.

When I end up eating shit like this...

When I end up smoking cigarettes again...

Photo by Chris Eugster

When I stay up all night, drunk at the fire company AGAIN?

You know there must be something wrong with my heart.

And when the heart falls, the stomach is soon to follow.

Stress causes IBS. It just does. This is because there are involuntary muscles in the stomach and guts that digest food for us. These muscles are connected to the brain. When we are nervous, scared, or upset, the muscles spazz up. They don't do the job they are supposed to do.

Butterflies are born.

Unfortch, I cannot cite the source where I read this, because it is in a box with other IBS books in my parents' basement. And once I'm finished writing this blog, I must go plan class for tomorrow. So, dear readers, you're going to have to trust me on this one.

You know that PA got dumped on by a premenstrual blizzard this past weekend...

It warned me for what life at my new home, on the farm, is going to be like this winter. The electricity went out. With it, the heat and water.

The cause of the butterflies?

He vanished.

Fortunately I had a kickass girlfriend with me. Using some lessons I got from the sweet-talkin'-fuck-and-leaver, I got a fire going. No starter log necessary. As the flames bellowed and engulfed the stove, I stepped back and said to my pal: "At least he left me with something."

The heat surged and wrapped around my face. I put a hand on my belly. The swelling had gone down. The bubbles and pain subsided. The butterflies had flown.

And just in time to settle under the blanket of snow and cold. Just in time to quiet my lips, sigh and smile. Just in time to hibernate into myself, pensive and warm with my books and iron pills and tea.

So I'm back. I'm back to eating soup, kale chips, and Yukon Gold potatoes. I'm back to bed at nine pm and rising at five to walk the dog and feed the horse. I'm back to feeling awake, refreshed, and happy throughout the day.

As my Plathy once wrote...

WINTERING
Sylvia Plath 1932-1963

This is the easy time, there is nothing doing.
I have whirled the midwife`s extractor,
I have my honey,
Six jars of it,
Six cat`s eyes in the wine cellar,

Wintering in a dark without window
At the heart of the house
Next to the last tenants rancid jam
and the bottles of empty glitters ....
Sir So-and-So`s gin.

This is the room I have never been in
This is the room I could never breathe in.
The black bunched in there like a bat,
No light
But the torch and its faint

Chinese yellow on appalling objects ....
Black asininity. Decay.
Possession.
It is they who own me.
Neither cruel nor indifferent,

Only ignorant.
This is the time of hanging on for the bees... the bees
so slow I hardly know them,
Filing like soldiers
To the syrup tin

To make up the honey I`ve taken.
Tate and Lyle keeps them going,
The refined snow.
It is Tate and Lyle they live on, instead of flowers.
They take it. The cold sets in.

Now they ball in a mass,
Black
Mind against all that white.
The smile of the snow is white.
It spreads itself out, a mile long body of Meissen,

Into which, on warm days,
They can only carry their dead.
The bees are all women,
Maids and the long royal lady.
They have got rid of the men,

The blunt, clumsy stumblers, the boors.
Winter is for women ....
The woman, still at her knitting,
At the cradle of Spanish walnut,
Her body a bulb in the cold and too dumb to think.

Will the hive survive, will the gladiolas
Succeed in banking their fires
To enter another year ?
What will they taste of, the Christmas roses ?
The bees are flying. They taste the spring.

Tonic #2: Going Gluten-Free

2011-10-18T12:10:00.001-07:00

When I saw the date of the last post, I giggled a little. I didn't realize it had been so long. Readers, I've got no excuse. It's just that I've been doing other things.

I've been trying to get back on track.

That doesn't mean I am. See the slice of pizza above? Yeah, I ate that the other night. But I also downed three Indigestion Stop pills (Tonic #1, remember?!) And I felt fine.

It's weird to eat those crappy processed foods again. Every Christmas, I'll try to eat a cookie. And I'll have the same reaction as I had with the pizza. This stuff just doesn't taste good to me anymore. I do it when I'm hungry and I have no choice.

I gave up gluten in 2008. Since then, not-eating-gluten has been one of my favorite tonics to keep IBS at bay. Not eating gluten is hard though.

There's a history of me testing gluten on this blog. It started last winter. My favorite local bar serves only hard cider (YUCK) and Guinness. How happy was I to discover Guinness went down absolutely fine?

At said bar, I also tried soft pretzels and portabella wraps. I am one of two vegetarians who comes to this place to eat. Every time I do, the cook comes out and tells me that he considered sprinkling bacon on my sandwich. (We used to work together waaaay back in the day.) I make fun of the Yosemite Sam tattoo on his forearm that reads: BACK OFF!

The soft pretzels made me sick. The portabella wrap? NEVER. The only gluten is the wrap. I imagine it's filled with soy as well. But it does not bother me.

IBS is fuckin' weird.

Do I dare get into the complexities of giving up gluten in this post? Absolutely not. Instead, I turn to the expert on gluten free, Iris at the Daily Dietribe.

This past spring, this insanely intelligent and dedicated lady wrote SEVEN blogposts on how to go gluten free. How can I even begin to try to explain the complexity of going gluten free, when Iris has kicked its ass so well?

I will say this...

Going gluten free is complicated. Never think it's just about giving up wheat. Never think it's just about buying gluten free foods. And NE-EH-EH-EH-EVER think that it's okay to do what I do - eat gluten here and there and still feel as good. Gluten definitely slows me down. Gluten keeps me less clear-headed. Gluten gives me bloat and farts.

Nobody puts it better than Heidi in this post - Gluten is much more than a food. For me, it's the start and stop to hanging out with my friends. But because I'm a sucker for the Kutztown Fire Company and its silly inhabitants, every couple of weeks, I make some sacrifices.

Tonic #1: The RIGHT enzymes

2011-09-03T19:12:00.000-07:00

I used to take enzymes. I tried a couple different kinds. They worked okay. Okay. Not great. Not perfect.

So, the cheap bastard I am, got tired of spending money on preventative medicine and went back to drinking wine, chocolate, and espresso after meals.

Then I pulled these enzymes off the shelf at work.

The ingredients intrigued me. Then they invigorated me. Peep this.

These enzymes are not just enzymes. Inside each pills is a team of digestive superheroes! This is quite possibly the most genius digestive concoction I've ever laid eyes on.

Let's chat.

Betaine HCl. Why is it so great? It's acid made from grain. BFF to the HCl that's already in the stomach, BHCl adds . Often times when one has IBS, it's because the gut has an imbalance of acid. For those with low acid, extra HCl helps meal time happen as it's supposed to - easily and invigoratingly! Source

Gentian root. Oh bestill my HEART!!! I LOVE gentian!!! It's a powerful component of my favorite Artichoke Compound tincture. It's a bitter, which means that it increases the amount of digestive juices flooding into the stomach, during gestation. If I'm IBSsy, I'm usually not hungry. But gentian cuts through that, makes me hungry, and helps me make the most of the food. If not IBSsy, gentian keeps me from being IBSsy, by helping me digest my meals more fully. Source

Ginger root. I mean, really. What is there that ginger can't do? It beefs up the immune system. It kills colds. It's an anti-inflammatory AND anti-spasmodic. Equally warming and calming, ginger is an excellent daily tonic JUST BECAUSE. I find that ginger works better than peppermint on an acidy belly, and equally well on a gassy bloated belly. It soothes and gets things moving. Who could ask for anything more? Source

Meadowsweet. It's called that for a reason. Both an anti-inflammatory AND an astringent, it works on the belly like ginger. It soothes, while also kicking the tummy into action. Meadowsweet is such a powerful anti-inflammatory, it's used as an herbal remedy for arthritis as well. Source

Peppermint. Peppermint oil caps have been rumored to cure IBS. Now, I've not had much success with peppermint by itself. It works on a very specific brand of the farts - that I don't get much of the time. It doesn't really de-clog the guts like apple pectin or triphala. It DOES, however, push gas up and out - IF there's room for it to go. In this mixture, it can't hurt. Source

'Nuff said. If you came into the apothecary and inquired about IBS or enzymes, guess where I'd point you?

I've yet to see another product that combines both herbs and enzymes, SO effectively, with the HCl. Plus, the company that makes them - Renew Life - manufactures ONLY digestive supplements. I LOVE that. It really makes me feel secure in their expertise, knowing that they are focusing on ONE KIND of natural supplements. Renew Life, we're buds for life.

For you non-IBSsers out there - don't go so fast. Enzymes are majorly beneficial to ANY stomach. They help your stomach get the most out of your food. You know what that means?

ENERGY!

FIRE!

HAPPINESS!

Toots

Ever tried enzymes?
What do you think of them?

What's your favorite brand?
Do you have a pre-meal ritual to prep your tum for food?

While I was busy blogging about cures...

2011-08-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

... I found A NEW CURE!!!

Oh aloe! You soothe my belly when its burny and acidy. You make the farts stop. You are not that expensive. And you really don't taste that bad.

After watching Meghan Telpner and her dad do aloe shots last spring, I was nervous to try it. The way they acted, aloe sounded really gross. I imagined it to taste sharp and tinny, like blackened toast.

Then I spoke with a customer at the apothecary about aloe. She told me that she takes it for overall digestive health. It cleans and detoxes the body, she said. Although she had more of an acidy belly than a farty belly, she claimed that aloe made her able to digest allergens like gluten and soy.

One voice in my head thought: Well, is that a good thing? The other voice in my head said: BUY SOME! BUY SOME!

Here - it was my job to sell her shit, and she sold me.

I bought whole leaf juice, no preservatives. That's the way to do it! And it didn't taste bad to me at all. It has a slight turpentine smell, but tastes like a weak liquor. The more I drank it, the better it tasted. AND the better I felt!

Shortly following my first few days of aloe juice, detox ensued. I got a sore throat right before my sister's wedding! But that came and went. My stomach always felt better after drinking it.

Like I said -

gassy, acidy, burny, farty -

aloe slaps my colon and says: Shut up, bitch!

We Interrupt this Program...

2011-08-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

Whenever I get an idea for something really big on this blog, I eff it up.

There was my 25 days of herbs. Back in 08, it was promised. I never delivered.

Now my IBS series. I posted twice. Then life happened.

The thing is - this is only one of many writing projects that I work on. There's also a script, poems, novels, stories. And that's just in my free time. Most of the day, I'm working on whatever actually makes me money.

FartyGirl ends up being pushed to the back burner.

Someday, I hope to devote A LOT of time to FartyGirl. I hope to become a blogger commenter again. I hope to communicate on a daily basis with the lovely people I've met online. But that's not lately.

Lately, LIFE has been happenin'!

I was working two jobs.

Teacher

Apothecarian

Then I got offered a job at a new school.
This is a hint as to where the school is...

I got offered a room in a farmhouse in the country.
For real... the COUNTRY!

My sister got married!
Middle, oldest (me) and youngest

And today, one of my best friends is getting married!
The bride is the one in the orange coat!
Isn't she so cute?

Between working two jobs, transitioning to another one, moving, and being a bridesmaid, I'm swamped. If I've learned anything about myself this summer - my brain and body are just not equipped to handle the craziness. I am not superwoman. Nor do I want to be!

This really puts the POW! in Empowerment, doesn't it?!

Give me the cicadas singing in the maple trees outside my window. Give me the rustling of the leaves. Give me the moon's flashlight, seeping through the boughs.

Give me quiet simplicity!

In the midst of all this shuffling, I haven't taken any pictures at all! I've been ENJOYING each and every moment. I've been living and drinking it in!

Each week, I write posts in my head. I just haven't had time to actually put them up. There's A LOT of good food and good tummy news to report though. So please check back. After I get settled - here's what you can expect to hear about...

Part 3 of the IBSeries: The Tonics!
This post will cover what I and other IBSsers do to keep our affliction at bay on a daily basis.

What I Learned in the Apothecary
This summer, I worked the funnest job EVER in the medicinal herb and health and body care of my local natural foods market. I learned so much. I am bursting to share it all with you.

The Apothecarians' Faves
In the apothecary, I was blessed to work with some of the smartest and most giving people. I wanna give a shout out to them. A big part of our job is helping customers choose supplements and body care. In this post, I'll pass those suggestions on to you.

Product reviews!
You know how I know I've been busy? I've got lots of products to review. It's what happens when I don't have time to cook, and end up shelling out ten dollars for a tiny bag of raw granola!

The article!
You'll get to see an early draft of the article I'm working on about IBS!

Hopefully I'll be back to blogging next week.

In the meantime - BE WELL!!!

MORE Cures?!

2011-07-21T04:34:00.001-07:00

When I think of cures, I think of what works in the moment. It's those days when I'm bloated and everything I eat makes me bigger or more explosive. I'm trying to find out: What foods can I eat that solve the problem right away? That's what the last post was all about.

Thank you for contributing YOUR cures! Because IBS is different for everyone, I love hearing about what works for you. It's fascinating to me how our cures converge and diverge!

Some of you suggested tonics. The word tonic is most commonly used in herbal medicine. It's a herbal tincture or infusion taken regularly, a couple times a day, to keep a specific health problem at bay. I see tonics are whatever keeps IBS at bay on a regular basis. For many of us, these include being vegan, not eating cheese, or gluten, etc.

There's a blogpost coming about tonics too!

For now, let's recap your cures!

Eimear suggested bone broth.

I love this suggestion. So often, we go vegan to deal with IBS. This has worked for me and many others, but not everyone. Many of my nutritionist friends have told me that the fat in meat is very helpful because it coats the intestines, making them slippy. One of the problems with psyllium, flax and chia, is that they don't contain enough fat to get things moving. Often, they sit in the gut instead of pushing things forward. This is definitely something to consider, if you are vegan and still feeling IBSsy on a regular basis. Maybe your gut needs more meat fat.

Sarah suggested roasted starchy vegetables and peppermint tea.

There's something about mushy starch that loves on the guts so hard!!!

Heather loves Cream of Rice cereal.

Rice is one of those grains - like oats - that has the ability to neutralize the guts and return them to their regularly scheduled programming. I love it because it works equally well for IBS-C and D. And it's hard to find a food that helps both!

Again - thanks for your input, pals!

Here are a few more of my cures that I forgot!

Soft mushy high fiber foods like...

Eco Planet cereals

This cereal has the texture of hot rice, but with multiple grains. I love it because it gives me the fiber that's missing from rice. For some reason, I can digest it fine when IBSsy.

Tasty Bites

Last fall, the Tasty Biters asked me to review their food. One night, I ate these lentils while horribly IBSsy. Can you imagine my excitement when they helped me feel better?! I can't thank the Biters enough. They found ME. And now, there's another food I can eat on days when I can't eat anything.

I was terribly IBSsy yesterday. I ate these lentils for dinner and instantly felt better. Today? IBS is gone. Love it!

Charcoal caps!!!

Is it weird to think of eating charcoal? Yeah, I thought so too. But they work really well for me. And others too. A year or so ago, my brother came to me, looking for a gas stopper. I fished some old charcoal caps out from underneath the bathroom sink. The next day? He was all like: Those charco-caps were freakin' amazing! Charcoal caps are weird, so is IBS!

Red wine

Sigh. Not gonna lie, this one's my fave. Don't you lie either! You KNOW it's my fave. HA! When IBS first struck me back in 2005, I was drinking a bottle every two nights, just to find some relief.

Granted, IBSser friends of mine have attested that abstaining from alcohol really helps cure IBS altogether. So keep that in mind. But I think that vino has a history for aiding in digestion in the culinary arts. It's culturally known as a meal accent and tummy friend - like parsley, rosemary, sage and thyme. And we can't forget what our ancestors have passed down to us...

Okay, now I'm just making shit up!

Next up - TONICS for IBS!!!

Toots

What daily practices do you take to keep IBS at bay?

How do you not let stress affect your guts?

Cured?

2011-07-14T07:42:00.000-07:00

I've been posting for three and a half years. In that time, I've stood on this blog like a mountain. I've raised up my hands and declared many saviors of IBS.

Each time, I cry: "I'm cured!"

I'm a little over-the-top.

The truth is, the same tricks don't work for everybody. The same tricks don't work every day either.

Every morning, I feel different. Every night, there's a new concoction of sludge mixing in my tummy. It's zapped by whatever is going on in my head and heart. Sometimes, my intestines decide to take the day off. And from there... all I can do is try to keep myself from feeling bloated, dizzy and farty.

What do I mean by "cure"? First, I don't mean a tonic. Tonics are daily routines that keep IBS at bay. That's another post.

Cures are angels. On a day when I'm incredibly bloated, not digesting anything, feeling exhausted and stinky, cures hear my desperation and return my body to normalcy. Cures stop IBS in its tracks.

Let's look at these so-called "cures." Let's re-evaluate them. Have they lasted the test of time?

Going Vegan

On my thirtieth birthday, I made a vegan no-refined sugar cake. It made me horribly IBSsy for days. I learned - going vegan will not save me from IBS.

Recently I brought eggs back into my diet. My boyfriend's niece has her own chickens, and we like to support her. Now, I eat omelets a couple times a week. And guess what! No problems.

I love BIG slices of garlic on top of a swiss chard omelet!!!

Going Gluten Free

Eating gluten free IS NOT about eating whatever I want that's gluten free. Gluten free cookies are still cookies. Gluten free pizza is still pizza.

Processed food is void of nutrients and fiber. While I find myself able to eat it on occasion, my body works best when given mostly whole foods - grains, vegetables, fruits, beans, nuts, and seeds. If I do want to sneak and eat something "bad," I can once in a while. But on a regular basis? I have to take the time to cook and prepare something from scratch. And it's worth it!

White Rice

White rice is a quick fix. It is very easy to digest and instantly calms down my guts. BUT - white rice lacks fiber. So while it eases IBS in the moment, it won't help clean the pipes of whatever is causing the farts.

Peppermint

It helps, but not enough. I prefer to make a tea with basil, thyme, and parsley. It's an acquired taste. Imagine nomming on a branch of Christmas tree. Basil and thyme tea is slightly minty, with a bitter barky edge to it. Personally? I love it. It quells my farts almost instantaneously.

Psyllium

Oh lord... I still feel bad about this one. I got emails afterwards. Many of my pals found psyllium very difficult to take orally. You know what? I AGREE.

For me, psyllium is most effective when the husks are mixed in A LOT of water. Usually, I take two tablespoons in 32 ounces. Unfortunately, this is also the most uncomfortable way to take psyllium. It's like trying to swallow pencil shavings in water. Yeah, good luck with that!

While psyllium DOES work, I don't enjoy taking it. I save it for when I'm three days into a bout of IBS, with no light at the end of the tunnel and DESPERATE to feel better. Psyllium helps clean me out, but without the explosiveness of a laxative. It just makes shit happen.

Larabars

Larabars, or any homemade date bar, has become my number one go-to IBS cure. I can't tell you why it works. But it just does. Every single time. All of the above cures have been known to fail on random occassions. Larabars? Never. Never. Ever. No matter how bad I feel, and for how long, one Larabar sends instant calm into my guts.

As I've discussed before, I'm not a huge fan of the de-rawing, de-veganizing of Larabars. They were taken off the shelf during the salmonella peanut butter scare of. 09. This is why it's a good idea to make your own!!!

Homemade Date Bars

Ingredients

15 Pitted Dates

1/4-1/2 cup soaked nuts of choice

Pinch of salt

Instructions

Throw everything into food processor.

Process until smooth.

Press into tupperware.

Stick in fridge for two hours.

Cut into desired shapes.
Nom happily.

Toots

What foods calm your stomach?

Do you think there's one diet that can cure IBS?

... Or are our crappy tummies all different?

Comin' Atcha wit da Master IBS

2011-07-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

FG-in-training, 1997

I was on a date with a guy and he wanted me to say "FartyGirl." Like out loud. We were at Starbucks. And he wouldn't let it go.

"Say it! Say it! Say it!" he chanted, like a dumb high school kid at a football game.

Literally - in that second - I knew it was never going to work out.

I tried to explain: "I like to call myself as 'FG', y'know... cos I'm a gangsta..."

"Say it! Say it! Say it!" he continued.

People were looking around. So I said it. He cried, "YEAH!" and slapped me five.

Dork.

FG, 2010

What am I doing here?

Am I relishing in the self-empowerment of dropping the F-bomb? Am I reeling you in with classic self-deprecation? Or are you truly interested in understanding how food and digestion affects the fulfilling-ness of our lives?

After three-and-a half years of posting, where am I? Who am I? What is FartyGirl?

Cheesy vegan sausage pie: What I thought was IBS-friendly, circa 2008

As I write this post, I'm watching the man I love on the porch - he's coughing through a cigarette, looking exhausted and hungover.

As I write this post, my friends are updating their Facebook statuses about their crazy monstrous kids, who ALWAYS seem to be sick with colds and stomach bugs, who ALWAYS seem to be eating hot dogs, candy, cereal, pizza, and ice cream.

Over the past three years, I've watched family and friends attempt to fix health problems through medicine, rather than diet - only to fail.

As human beings, we have free will to put whatever food we want into our bodies. But I continue to be confused as to why we choose the food we choose. We choose what tastes good, what is easy, what is popular. And - friends, family - all I ever hear is how tired and shitty everyone feels.

Kale chips: IBS-friendly, circa 2011

I started this blog because I was feeling shitty. Through reading, I learned that how I feel is directly caused by what food and drink I put into my body. By changing my sustenance, I feel better. All I want is to help my friends and family feel happy and healthy.

That's what FartyGirl means to me.

Laugh all ya want about the name.

But really? It's no joke.

Now - get ready for some Master IBS!!!

Over the next two weeks, I'll be consolidating all of my IBS posts into 3 easy-to-access guides.

I'm going to revisit all the "cures" I've "discovered".

I'm going to talk about what I do to maintain digestive health on a daily basis.

I'm going to talk about allergens, superfoods, and herbs.

I'm going to talk about what I've learned over the past six years of trials and tests.

Raw, raw, raw and RAWRRRR!

Initially, this blog was meant to be about IBS.

BUT the center of every body is the STOMACH AND THE GUTS!

So even if you DON'T have IBS,

some of this info could be worthwhile to you.

I hope it helps. I hope you like it.

Btw - Thanks to Meech for the title of this post!

Wake Me Up Before You Cocoa

2011-06-20T04:26:00.000-07:00

I am a morning person....

... Except in the summer.

For some reason, in the warmer months, I cannot get out of bed in the morning. My limbs feel all liquidy. The tiredness literally hangs in my forehead.

Anyone else have this problem?

Because I love the morning... because I love to get shit done... I make deals with myself. Rather than drink coffee and turn my stomach into a pit of acid, I drink delicious AM treats.

Here they are!

Really tart cranberry juice with water

Dandy Blend

Cayenne, Ginger and Tumeric tea

Cayenne, Ginger, Tumeric tea

1/8 teaspoon cayenne

1/2 teaspoon tumeric

1-2 teaspoon ginger

cinnamon, if desired

12 ounces H2O

4 ounces nut milk

Raw honey and cacao nibs

Current fave... a little off the chain with this one... :-)

Ginger and Apple Cider Vinegar Drink

Apple Cider Vinegar and Ginger

1-2 teaspoons ACV

1 teaspoon ginger powder

5-7 drops stevia

8 ounces of H2O

Cacao, Maca, and Mesquite

Cacao and Maca

1 Tablespoon cacao powder

1/2 Tablespoon mesquite

1 teaspoon maca powder

8 ounces almond milk

12 drops stevia

Macro Greens and Coconut Water

And of course, homemade booch

There's always the option of just staying in bed. But morning is such a glorious time of day!!!

Ideally?

I'd get up around four or five every morning,

just to experience the whole show.

Have you ever been up that early? Seriously - it's something to see. The sky is this gorgeous royal blue color - not dark, not light. The air is hazy. The trees are dark. The birds give little twits here and there. Peaceful doesn't even describe it. It's like nature reminding us that its quiet mystery still exists.

Drinking coffee would only ruin my enjoyment of this beautiful splendor.

But I'll be damned if I'm giving up my cacao!

Ca-cao!!!

Toots

What is your favorite way to wake up?

There's an IBS series coming... PROMISE!!!

What questions do you have about IBS

that I might research and try to answer in the series???

33

2011-06-16T04:26:00.001-07:00

I woke up at 2 am on my thirty-third birthday with HORRIBLE IBS-D.

Did you know that there are two different IBSes?

C stands for constipation. C also stands for farts. Because when you're constipated, food gets all stuck and fermented in your guts.

D stands for diahrrea. You know all about that. It feels like food poisoning. It can flush your entire day down the toilet. Literally.

There's this weird thing that happens to me sometimes. I'll eat something that will give me IBS-C. I'll have IBS-C for most of a day. Then, in the morning, it will magically turn into IBS-D.

This is what happened the day before my birthday.

I ate a cupcake at work that was supposedly allergy-free. It was one of the best cupcakes I've ever had... perfectly spiked with ginger and carrots. But something went wrong after I ate it. I literally felt my stomach turn on me. It whispered, "No, that's not right."

For the rest of the day, as I stocked MSM and Herb Pharm tinctures, I sneaked farts in the aisles.

Food-wise, I tried to dispel the IBS. I drank lots of GT's. I worked out. I ate my favorite Eco-Planet grain cereal, which is super ground and mushy but with tons of fiber.

And then, at 2 am...

... the flood gates opened.

I couldn't go back to sleep. So I stayed up, reading Raymond Buckland's Witch Encyclopedia. I commented on some foodie blogs. Every few minutes I ran to the bathroom.

Six AM came.

I had to go back to work.

Thanks to a breakfast of rice flour pancakes and Irish breakfast tea, I managed to plug up the leaks by the time I came into the store. But I still felt weak and out of it.

All day, I debated if I should do the birthday tradition or not.

What did I decide?

Let's get pizzafied!

Here's the family pizza.

Trader Joe's whole wheat dough

Trader Joe's tomato basil sauce
Local baby spinach
Daiya mozzarella
Lots of sea salt, pepper, oregano

Add stupidity - because I forgot to take a picture of it cooked and melty and delicious.

Here's mines.

High Raw Flatbread Pizza

Ingredients

Sarena, the Non-Dairy Queen's,
super-easy and insanely delicious
flatbread crusts

I played with the recipe slightly... but not much.

Flatbread crusts
1/4 c millet flour
1/8 c brown rice flour
1/8 c chickpea flour
1/2 cup warm water
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
Fists of oregano

Whisk ingredients

Grease a bread pan

Stick in the oven for 15 minutes at 425 degrees.

Cashew yogurt cheese

My pal Robyn makes amazing probiotic cashew cheese.
This is my lazy version.

Cashew Yogurt Cheese
2 cups soaked cashews
1/2 small container of 0% Fage Greek Yogurt
juice from 2 lemons
2-3 cloves garlic
lots of salt
lots of nooch
process until smooth

I kinda agonized over presentation a little...

Aaaand for dessert?

This guy!

Yeah... he's back. That's a story for another post though. What's important to know is this - he drove down from where he lives to take me out for drinks! He brought me presents too!

And by presents... I mean FOOD!!!

There's this smoothie place that he stops by mid-workdays. We've tried to go there many times, but their hours are weird. Anyway, he brought the smoothie place to me! Most impressive was how he managed to get me stuff that I CAN EAT!

This chocolate bar?

This cacao coconut date bar?

Look at the sandwichy layers!!!

This redonkulously expensive acai powder?

No soy
No gluten
No dairy
Low sugar

This man remembers what I say when I talk. And that's a feat, because I talk A LOT. Ha!

I might let him stick around for a little while longer.

Can you tell I'd been up since 2 am?

Thank you to EVERYONE who sent me stories!!! I really appreciate it! Hopefully, by next week, I'll be sending out care packages. I've been slowly gathering treats and surprises from all my favorite local natural foods stores and businesses.

If you still want to send me your story, please do! It will take the end of the month until I get the query done. So don't hesitate to send away!

Toots

Tell me about your most memorable birthday!

What do you eat on your birthday?

Do you like aprons? I do.
My man's momma made this one for me.

Have a great weekend!!!

It's Called a Deadline, Folks!

2011-06-12T06:21:00.000-07:00

You got two days to send me your story!!!

Lemme recap.

I'm writing an article, telling different stories about IBS. In order to get a full well-rounded explanation as to what IBS is, I think it's necessary to discuss how it is for lots of different people.

IBS is such a subjective condition! We all have the same symptoms, but different causes and treatments. So - I want to offer an array of info in one article.

The goal? To explain that IBS is super complicated. Ultimately, the best way to deal with it is to start a food diary.

Email me your story, and I will send you stuff!

Scoby

And another surprise or two!

Stories are due by Tuesday, June 14th. That's my birthday! Don't forget to send me your address when you send me your story.

These are a Few of my Favorite Things...

2011-06-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was sitting in the grass, waiting for one of my favorite markets to open. With the sun shining and nothing else to do, I decided to dump out my bag and take pictures of my stuff.

This is what I carry with me every day.

A. Desert Essence Dry by Nature

I prefer to make my own deodorant. But this brand works really well. I like having a deodorant to take along with me. Recently, a customer at work told me that DE uses Propylene Glycol, which is bad news bears. Next, I plan to move onto one that is PG free.

B. Avalon Organics Lavender Deodorant Spray

It's called deodorant. I use it like a body spray. It's a nice refresher in these hot summer months!

C. and D. Tinctures

Herb Pharm's Good Mood Tonic

I bought this last month when the boyfriend and I were broken up. It really helped quell my sadness. I felt the difference almost instantly!

Gaia's Echinacea and Goldenseal

This is to keep my immune system strong. Last night, I had all the guys at the bar putting it in their beers. It's almost gone now. But totally worth the laugh.

BioAllers Tree Pollen

My work pals suggested this to me for my allergies. I'm definitely still sniffly. But I can function, which is saying something. Usually allergies turn my nose into a faucet and sneeze machine!

E. Earplugs

I'm a writer. I'm always writing. Earplugs are NECESSARY for writing. They are also necessary because I date boys who snore!

F. Yes to Carrots Lip Gloss

My BFF of 25 years and I have the same problem. We can never find lip gloss that we like. Since I found Yes to Carrots? Problem solved. Look!

Am I right?

G. fartpod

In class one day, my favorite yoga teacher asked us what inspires us. I said music. Music makes me move. My feet go. My skin pimples with excitement. All I feel is energy. Favorite workout songs? This and this.

H. & I. Tree Necklace & Mint Box

My pal Meech made the necklace. Inside the mint box goes hair ties, barrettes, buttons popped off and more earplugs. I can never be too prepared!

What does this have to do with IBS?

All the time Telpner reminds us in her blog - the skin is the largest organ of the body. When we put chemicals on our skin, it seeps into our bodies. What we put on our skin definitely affects our tummies. Everything is connected!

Here's another Telpner love that I finally got the chance to taste...

Aloe!!!

Jello-y chunks of it in coconut water!!!

New favorite summer drink.

So refreshing.

My stomach LOVES IT.

What else?

I'm knee-deep in the mess of a three-part master IBS post. I'm working here, here, and here. I'm freelancing, trying to finish a screenplay...

Life is busy, but GOOD.

Now - your turn!

What are some of your favorite things?

What do you carry with you everywhere?

Knowing is Half the Battle

2011-06-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Pals at work told me about the Environmental Working Group today. On this site, you can find out everything you need to know about the health and beauty products you use. So what did I do when I got home today?

RESEARCH!!!

What did I find out from my research?

First off, I am a dumbass!

Remember last year, when I was all high and mighty, switching from Dove soap to Jason? Dove ranks around a 3-4 on the EWG "clean" list. Jason's lavender body wash? 7.

Later, Jason!

However, I was pleased to find out that my favorites...

Trader Joe's Tea Tree Shampoo & Conditioner

Tom's of Maine Sensitive Toothpaste

Burt's Bees lip gloss

EVEN Opti-free contact lens solution...

...ALL rank around a three and under.

ALSO - Jason's Fragrance Free Body Wash is 0 or 1 or something. So there may be Jason in some form in my future.

Seriously - check out the EWG website! It's so fun!

Let's see...

...What else is up?

I got the bridesmaid dress for my sister Mose's wedding.
I'm so happy it's a great dress!

I got to goof off with my other sister Reen-Bean in the kitchen.
She's my silly pal!

I got an Owlie from Doodlebug's Jewelry Box.

I got plenty of backyard sun time.

I told Reenie... our backyard is a place of constant peace for me... every time I am upset, I just go sit out back, and everything balances itself out into heaven. Yeah, Pennsylvania!!!

Aaaand... I made the best raw cookies EVER!

>

What special place gives you peace?

FG SUPER COOKIES!

FG Super Cookies

Part I.
15 dates
1/2 cup cashews
1/2 cup sunflower seeds

SOAK IN A BIG JAR FOR 2-4 HOURS

Part II.
Strain.
Throw into Cuis.
Add fistfuls of cacao, sesame seeds, goji berries, and maca!
Process until the mixture sticks together.

Part III.
Mash with palms into hamburger patties.
Dehydrate at 105 degrees for 4-6 hours.

Would you like a batch of FG's super cookies?

Email me your story and your address by June 14th!!!

June 14th is my birthday! And there's NOTHING I want more for my birthday than to hear your stories and send you cookies!!!

Toots

What kind of body care products do you use?

What qualities/characteristics do you look for
in soaps and lotion and stuff?

How many weddings have you been in?
Did you have fun?
Did you have to wear something cool or hideous?

What are you nomming on this week?

Got Booch?

2011-06-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

I got too much booch!!!

Seriously... does anyone want a scoby?

I got my scobys from the Kombuchick months ago. It's summer in PA right now. So my booch is kickin'!

Here's the recipe I've been using.

Farty's Homemade Apple Ginger Kombucha

Part I.

Pour 3-4 cups of water in a huge pot

Break open 1 black tea bag and
1 green tea bag into the pot

Drop 1 Tablespoon of raw sugar into pot

Bring tea to a rolling boil

Sterilize jars and strainer with boiling water in sink

Strain tea into jars

Stick jars in fridge to cool

When cooled, add scobys

Leave to ferment by Virgin Mary in bedroom!

Sidenote: I am a pagan, but I love Mary. She's like the big sister I've always dreamed of having. I also love Robin Hood! I'm getting a tattoo of him soon!

Part II.

Wait 'til jars have grown a new scoby

Strain the tea into old GT bottles

Add 1/4 cup of apple juice or old booch to new booch

Screw tight and leave in fridge for second fermentation!

Second fermentation takes about 3 days.

Part III.

Add 1/2-1 teaspoon ginger powder

Pour over ice

Enjoy an apple ginger booch!

Why is Kombucha so great?

Kombucha contains B vitamins!

Kombucha helps acid reflux, heartburn, and sour stomachs!

Kombucha has been known to clear up acne and quell headaches!

Kombucha can help caffeine addicts slowly wean off the drug!

Kombucha gives you probiotics... which help boost your immune system!

Kombucha helps decrease chances of yeast infections, colds, and flus!

Kombucha helps increase intestinal and digestive tract health!

Source
Source

Would YOU like a free scoby???

Here's how to be eligible. You must meet ALL THREE criteria in order to get a free scoby. Yes, I said FREE. Shipping is free too.

What to do...

Leave a comment below, telling me what you think of Kombucha, Kefir and other fermented drinks.

Email me your story about the ups and downs of your digestive health!

Remember to include your address in your email!

Email: Fartygrrl@gmail.com

IBS is so 2010

2011-05-30T01:49:00.000-07:00

Last summer, I taught Writing Skills to students in an accelerated summer science program. One day I hobbled in, very sick with IBS.

Sometimes, IBS can get so bad that I can't digest anything. I've complained about this before. My stomach balloons. My ass aches. My head is dizzy from lack of nutrition.

This was one of those days.

I admitted to one of my fellow teachers that I wasn't feeling well. He was once a medical student, and asked what was up. I tried not to get into it. But he pressed me.

"What is it?" he asked. "Gastro-intestinal?"

I was like: WTF am I? Inside Out Girl?

So I admitted it. I explained my problems in the most polite fashion possible. I also admitted that I was really stressed.

"Stress typically doesn't cause problems like IBS," he told me. "Usually, there's a bacterial infection that screws everything up first."

Well. I considered this for a long time. But after the past year, I can firmly disagree.

STRESS TOTALLY AGGRAVATES IBS!!!

Since 2004, I've worked more than one job. Usually three. I've also been commuting an hour to an hour and a half to those jobs.

Since January of 2011, I've worked ONE job. And my IBS has been pretty much non-existent. It flares up during PMS or if I eat something I shouldn't. But generally - it's over in a day - NOTHING as bad as it was back in '05.

What else makes me think that stress is a huge causing factor of IBS? This article. There are others like it and books too. While Science Daily talks bacteria, I've read other books that point out the close connection between the stomach and the nervous system.

Think about it. What do we say when we are nervous about something? We have butterflies in our stomach!

There are involuntary muscles in our stomach and guts. Our brain sends those muscles messages to digest our food. Therefore, when our brain is screwy, our stomach and guts are screwy.

Case in point: ME.

So, in dealing with your IBS, remember where your head is at. Think about what Sassy Gay Friend told Juliet. Look at your life, look at your choices.

Toots

How do you handle stress?

How do you handle life -
without getting stressed?

Have you sent me your story yet?
Fourteen days left 'til the deadline!

Call for Submissions!

2011-05-25T05:24:00.000-07:00

I need your help.

Think back to when you first realized that something wasn't right with your tummy. For me, it was on the toilet. I'd had chronic gas for three days. And nothing was happening. There was this sinking feeling in my skin. Something was wrong.

When did it hit you?

What did you do after you realized that you might have IBS? Did you see a doctor? Did you go to the library? Did you talk to friends?

After you were diagnosed, what did you do? How did you proceed? Did you try meds? Or did you play with your diet? Where did you go to find information?

Me? I spent five years playing with my diet. I went organic, vegetarian, dairy free, gluten free, casin free, sugar free, raw, Atkins, ayurvedic. I ate a diet followed only by the Abkhazians of southern Russia.

Looking back, I think I could've figured out what to do so much more quickly, if only I'd other IBSsers to talk to.

IBS is SO random. My story can only help so much. I want to tell stories about other people who also suffer from IBS. I want to bring all of these stories together in one article. I want to publish this article, in the hopes that by talking about our common symptoms and treatments, we can help others.

Anyone can go to the doctor, right? But not everyone can get advice from a crew of fellow IBSsers all at once!

So...

Would you like me to tell your story?

If so, please email your story to fartygrrl@gmail.com. Please keep your story around 200-400 words. Try to answer the following questions:

When did you start suffering from IBS?

What were your symptoms?

Did you go to the doctor? If so, what treatment were you given? Did they work?

How did you deal with IBS initially?

How are you dealing with IBS today?

What are your "offender" foods?

What foods make you feel good?

What has IBS taught you about how to eat and live?

Hold up!

You may be thinking.

What's in it for me?

If the article gets published, you could get paid. Don't get excited. IF we get money, it probably won't be much. But you will get your story published in a magazine.

My fellow writers - you could have a publication to add to your resume!

My dear bloggers - you will gain traffic for your blogs.

My lovely nutritionists - you will gain clients!

My fellow businessmen and women - you will gain customers.

Submissions will be closed on June 14th. (That's my birthday!) If you send me a story, I will send you the finished article for your approval before it goes out. If you have any questions, please email me!

I hope to see your story in my inbox!!!

200-400 words

fartygrrl@gmail.com

If you are interested in checking out my published works,

please check out the "My Story" tab above.

Photo by Meech!

A Smooth Criminal...

2011-05-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

My favorite movie theater candy used to be Twizzlers.

I didn't like licorice; I just liked Twizzlers. I loved to suck on them until their ridges got all withered. I loved to stick them through the top of my soda can and drink soda through them.

Twizzlers had to be red. Not black. Who on earth liked the black stuff??? In school, when the subject of Twizzlers came up, the black ones were legendary. Every kid knew at least one person - usually an old crotchety aunt or yelly great uncle - who lived for black licorice whips.

It's funny how we used to think of Twizzlers as licorice. Because really, it's the farthest thing from. Licorice is actually a root. The root has tons of health benefits. Here are just a handful:

Soothes inflamed stomachs
Ulcers
Asthma
Bronchitis
Coughs
Bladder infections

Certain varieties of the plant are known to be
Estrogenic
Anti-inflammatory
Anti-allergenic
Anti-convulsive
Antibacterial

Me, personally...?

I love how gnarled and barky it is.

I love how it soothes my throat.

I love how it soothes my acidy tummy

Mostly, I love the perfect touch of sweetness it adds to tea.

Look at it - Doesn't it just look rich and sweet? That's 'cos it is! It carries a lovely butterscotchy flavor with it. Licorice works with other herbs though. It takes the edge off super flowery lavender. Meanwhile, it connects with that flora essence, bringing forth a flavor all its own. Nettles are another herb that taste a little sharp. Licorice root helps nettles taste like a caramelly black tea.

Because I have chronic sore throats and IBS, I drink licorice root A LOT! Here are some of my favorite licorice tea blends.

Pirate's Defense

1 part nettles

1 part echinacea

1 part licorice root

For colds coming on... arggg!!!!

A Smooth Criminal

1 Part Licorice Root

1 Part Marshmallow Root

1 Part Elderflower

For when you've been hit by...

When you've been struck by...

Crap! A sore throat!

Pretty in Pink Tummy Tea

1 Palmful Marshmallow Root

1 Palmful Licorice Root

1 Palmful Echinacea

1 Palmful Dried Raspberries

1/2 - 1 Tablespoon Ginger Powder

1 teaspoon Fennel Seed

2 Cups of Water

1/2-1 Cup Unsweetened Rice Milk

3-5 drops Stevia

There are always warnings that come with drinking licorice root tea. This is because back in 1879 or something, some kid ate a pound of licorice candy and died. Seriously. That's why it has warnings.

Licorice has been known to raise blood pressure, cause water retention and hypertension.

Not all herbs agree with everybody.* Herbs affect every body differently. So it's best to take it easy. Start small. See how it goes before you kick it hardcore with the licorice.

Toots

What's your favorite movie snack?

What's your favorite herb or spice?

What do you take for sore throats?

*Herby sidenote: I react poorly to angelica, aka dong quai. It's touted as a reliever of PMS symptoms and a hormone regulator. It knocked all of the energy out of me. Both days I took it, I passed out through most of the afternoon. And I don't nap! Weird!!!

Source
Duke, James A. and Foster, Steven. Eastern/Central Medicinal Plants and Herbs, 2nd ed. New
York: Houghton Mifflin Co. 2000

Sunrise!

2011-05-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

Summertime is usually when I break out boxes of cereal. For me, little is as comforting. Cereal takes me back to childhood, when it was all I ate.

Now, I appreciate nuttier, granola-type cereal, stuff with little sugar. Eating cereal is all about the crunch! Am I right? On a summer night, I love to sit by a window, clutch a bowl in my hand, listen to the crickets, feel the dark cool breeze, and chomp-chomp-chomp!

So when Mambo Sprouts emailed me, asking if I'd do a review of their gluten free Crunchy Maple and Crunchy Vanilla Sunrise cereals - I was like: "Duh!"

Both I ate - uncharacteristically - for breakfast. I ate them with fistfuls of cacao nibs. That's a must. Cacao tastes awesome in already sweet cereal.

So yeah - these are SWEET. Seven grams of "cane juice" is in 2/3 cup. That's sweet for what I'm used to. The ingredients include buckwheat flakes, corn, rice, quinoa, amaranth, and flax seeds.

There's no soy. There's no gluten.

The maple crunch tastes like pancakes. It tastes exactly like pancakes. The maple flavor is slightly overpowering, but not in a bad way. That's what maple is, right?

The vanilla is much more laid back. I like this. It's not whack-you-in-the-face vanilla, like so many other vanilla-flavored cereals. It just tastes like good cereal. The sweetness is not so crazy in this one; however, it still ranks 7 grams of sugar.

How bad is seven grams?

I used to sweat over the three grams in my corn flakes. Compared to what the average daily American eats, it ain't bad! Shoot, there's 30 grams of sugar in a can of Coke! What's seven?

Nutritionally, are these cereals ideal? Absolutely not. They are refined processed foods.

But they are also delicious.

For me, they will satisfy PMS cravings and moments when I am hungry, but just don't have the energy to cook something.

Most days though?

I'm pushing whole foods, cooked or soaked grain cereals.

Like this - cooked sorghum!!!

If there was any way to make these Sunrise cereals the consistency of granola - whole grain, rather than crispy flour balls - then I'd be happy.

But I'm not complaining. And I will finish both boxes!

Toots

What's your favorite cereal?

What's your favorite flavor?

Vanilla? Honey? Maple? Molasses?

What food do you eat
when you don't have the energy to prep?

Here's my personal favorite sunrise...

Whaaaaaaa???

2011-05-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

Stupid BLOGGER killed my arnica post.

Here's a quick update of what's up!

I got hired to work in the apothecary at my local market!

I saw Tommy Emmanuel with one of my favorite lifelong buds.

Here and here are my two favorite songs by him.

He played neither, but whatev... still a great show!

I ate vegan sushi three times in one week - twice in one day - AND once in a car. It was on the way to Tommy Emmanuel.

I saw Bridesmaids. It was GREAT. I never buy movies, and I'm totally buying it when it comes out on DVD. I related completely - the main character even has my name. Now, I just need to work on getting pulled over by a really cute Scottish cop. Or become BFFs with Kristen Wiig, my hero.

I'm bidding on this. Any bidders better know who they are up against. I'd pay thirty bucks for it. Someday I may tell you why. Here's a hint, that you won't understand at all.

I've been eating a lot of super tasty low cal foods!

Pumpkin Breakfast Bread

Eggy veggies in a collard

Kraut-juice Kale chips

Green Bean Pizza

Made with Sareena's perfect socca crust

Microwave chocolate cake

In: Malbec.

Out: Cab Sav.

I love this tincture. It WORKS.

Got allergies? Drink mint tea. It saved me twice this week. As the newest apothecarian at my local market, I suggest mixing mint and eucalyptus, for the best effect!

I got free cereal in the mail! Reviews to come later this week!

Cereal is one of my favorite summer time foods.

I love it so much,

I eat it in my car.

Roll with me, Gluten Free Corn Flakes.

Check out this amazing band. I've known the singer/guitarist/songwriter since he was fourteen, and I was sixteen. I've known the drummer since I was nine. They are super cute, super talented, and super great guys. God I love living in a small town.

Check out this amazing jewelry maker. I've known her since I was nine!

New favorite ice cream.

RECAP!

Mean Boyfriend: Gone.

Heart: Still in mourning.

But: There's always a but...

Dream job: Got.

Friends: I know who the real ones are.

Sun: Out.

Life: Awesome.

Toots

What's new with you?

What eats are you enjoying this week?

What music are you listening to?

What is your favorite memory of friendship?

Seriously - my friends are so awesome...

I will remember the last two weeks for the rest of my life!!!

I am lucky to know them - and you.

Let's Play a Game

2011-05-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

Now - my turn.

Some of these kale chips are not like the others!

Do you know why?

This kale chip was made with extra virgin olive oil

This kale chip was made with raw cultured sauerkraut juices!

You may remember that I've started counting calories to lower my percentage of body fat. Lowering fat has really helped my IBS big time. So! Here's another low fat recipe!

Low Fat Kale Chips

1/2 cup raw cultured sauerkraut juices

1 Tablespoon aduki bean miso

3 Tablespoons of nutritional yeast

Sprinkles of sea salt and pepper

I don't know if this can be considered a probiotic kale chip or not. There are lots of probies in the miso and the sauerkraut juice. But would the heat from a dehydrator kill them off? I don't know.

In other news, my baby sister graduated college yesterday. We traveled down to Arlington, Virginia for the commencement.

We ended up eating at Ted's Montana Grill twice - because it was so good. They are an eco-friendly restaurant. The straws are cardboard and the tables are topped with recycled paper.

The servers were super nice and the kitchen, very accommodating! I was able to doctor up a salad with grilled asparagus that was so freakin' yummy, I didn't even care that it made my pee stink for two days!

None of us are huge fans of Arlington. But God forbid you are ever stuck there, check them out!

Toots

I'm high on allergy meds right now...

I got nothin'...

Ha!

Are You Nervous Yet?

2011-04-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

I have a naturally nervous belly. Soft mushy foods like me. They fall into my belly like feathers. And I fly throughout my day - energized, instead of weighed down.

Gena taught me about chia pudding. In this concoction, I've layered it with coconut whipped cream. That one is all Sareena.

I love being a food blogger.

Coconut Cacao Chia Parfait

Layer 1: Chia Puddin'

1/8 cup of chia seeds

1 cup of almond milk

Mix. Stir. Let sit for a half hour. Stir again when you remember.

The chia seeds will bulk up and turn into pudding.

Layer 2: Chocolate Coconut Whipped Cream

2 Tablespoons of Coconut flour

1 Tablespoon Cacao

1/2 Tablespoon Mesquite

1 teaspoon Maca

10-12 drops stevia

Whisk in almond milk.

Probably 1/4 cup. See my girl Sareena for specifics.

Layer 3: Cacao Nibs and Goji Berries

Superfoods!

They give the parfait some texture.

They also make it look like an old school Carvel ice cream cake!!!

Toots

This parfait is very ayurvedic-friendly
for super-nervous vata doshas, like myself.

If you are interested in finding out more
about ayurvedic eating,
discover your dosha here!

There's a ayurveda blogpost coming!
Promise!

Vanilla-Spinach Parfait

2011-04-24T06:01:00.000-07:00

What can I say?

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your kind words of support and encouragement. After I posted that last blog, I was so embarrassed. I felt like a self-obsessed girl going, "Oh, poor me!"

All across the globe, there's genocide, rape and destruction. There are women paralyzed in abusive relationships. Children are tortured.

Several members of my family have suffered their own devastating losses this year.

I had to dump a dickhead.

Seriously - what do I have to complain about?

But you - you wonderful bloggers - you know, that when bad luck strikes, it feels like the only thing that matters. Thank you for understanding that! Your comments made me feel less alone and so much more hopeful than I was feeling!

To show you my appreciation, here's a super weirdo recipe for you! I don't think I've made anything this strange in a long time!

Vanilla Spinach Parfait

Part 1. Vanilla Spinach Layer

1 Japanese sweet potato

1 cup spinach

1/2 cup cooked brown rice

1/2 cup almondmilk

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

7-10 drops stevia

All of it - Processed together in the cuis

Part II. Cacao Layer

1/4 cup pumpkin

1 Tablespoon cacao

1/2 Tablespoon mesquite

1 teaspoon maca

slosh of almond milk

10-15 drops stevia

All of it - whisked in a bowl.

In retrospect, I'd probably swap the pumpkin for sweet potato or a tasty squash

Part III. Assembly

Find a pretty glass.

Spoon it in!

It tasted like vanilla and chocolate puddings!

For me, this breakfast is very IBS friendly. It has tons of veggies, processed into smoothness, which makes for easy digestion. Here are the nutritional bonuses:

There's lots of fiber.
The cacao and spinach give up some quality iron.
There's B vits in the maca and the spinach as well.
The sweet potato offers vitamin C and potassium.
The whole damn thing will keep you regular.

Toots

I love desert for breakfast!!!

How about you?

What's your favorite desert for breakfast?

What's your favorite desert overall?

Break-Up Food

2011-04-22T15:56:00.000-07:00

This is the look of a woman scorned...

...aaaaaand of a woman on PMS.

Only an idiot like me would break up with her boyfriend the week before her period.

The truth?

I dumped him.

Or as we say at 233: I dumped eeeem.

This is my blog. And I would love to gossip about what happened. But that's a dick move.

Plus - he doesn't have a blog.

He does have a bar stool. And from it, he's been complaining about me to our friends for months. None of our friends have asked me for a chance to defend myself.

So... should I?

Let me just say this.

I didn't want to break up with him. I really didn't want to. I wanted to marry him. I'm totally heartbroken and crushed, like a goddamn teenager.

But I didn't have a choice.

Imagine you bought tickets to see your favorite band in concert. You get dressed up and drive to the show. The show is an hour away. You get there, and you find out that your favorite band isn't playing. With no warning, they've decided that they don't feel like playing a show that night. They are tired. They need a break. They want to hang out with their friends, drink beers, shoot the shit backstage.

Let's say you gave that band another chance. Let's say you drove to see them play a number of times. You went so many times that you became friends with other concertgoers. You felt like family with them.

But each time, the band didn't feel like playing. They left you to drink beers and shoot the shit backstage.

How many times would you drive out to see the show,
before you stopped buying tickets?

Hopefully fewer times than I did. ;-)

The message: When a guy's not in love with you anymore, there's no point in staying in the relationship. Even if you're crazy in love with him.

I'm miserable.

I'm beat.

But I'm well aware that I really don't have it that bad.

Here's what I'm nomming.

Break-Up Food

Udis Bagels

Raw cheese

Vanilla Hemp ice cream and Justin's Peanut Butter

Luna and Larry's Chocolate Coconut Milk ice cream

Spinach Cacao Layered Mousse
Recipe forthcoming!!!

Smoothie Deb's Microwave Chocolate Cake

Ecologica
Thanks to my Go Indie pals for suggesting this!!!

Am I an emotional eater?

Hells yeah!

But every single day I pig out, I also go to the gym. I work my ass off.

So there, broken heart!

Toots

When you are depressed, how do you deal?

What foods are comforting to you?

What healthy junk food are you nomming?

Any break-up tips? I'm aggin' to feel better!

A million thanks for listening!

A million thanks for following!

Have a great weekend!

Counting Calorie Kafuffles

2011-04-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Never ever ever ever EVER in my life did I think I'd become one of those annoying calorie-counting ladies.

But I am! I totally am!

And you know what?

I'm really enjoying it.

Call it a psychological need for control. Call it an obsession with food. I love everything about it.

This is how it works. Every day, I log my food and exercise intake into MyFitnessPal.com. The website calculates my exact expenditure of energy and balances it out with my food. Currently, I'm on a plan of 1200 calories a day.

So many nutritionists are against counting calories and dieting. But guess what? I've been eating nutrition-heavy for a long time. I ate my almond butter and my avocados. I ate my cacao and raw honey. I ate my veggies and whole grains. I never counted calories, ever in my whole life.

What did it do for me?

It gave me 27% body fat.

Many of you probably know how to balance your food intake instinctually. I don't. I need help.

And for all of my yapping about health and nutrition, I found out that I had A LOT to learn!

Here's what I've learned about myself using MyFitnessPal.

For the last three years, I've eaten heavy raw and vegan. This caused my fat intake to be insanely high. Every day, I ate lots of calories, but not that much food. For example: Raw cookies. Just one of them is 125 calories. I used to eat three or four for breakfast, with coconut oil chocolate on top. That's pushing 600 calories for breakfast. But it's all nuts, fruit, and oil.

My IBS is completely in sync with my calorie intake. Too many carbs don't bother me as badly as too much fat - because the latter contains more calories. When I eat less calories, my stomach is less upset. As long as I stay within the 1200 calorie range, my IBS is pretty nonexistent.

When I eat less fat, I'm hungrier. When I ate raw breakfast cookies, I wouldn't be hungry until one or two pm. Now, minus the coconut oil, I am snacking periodically throughout the day. You know what that means? There's a party in my metabolism!

It is super super super easy to cut fat out of my diet. For example - I used to pour cacao coconut oil sauce over my sweet potato every morning. Now, I halve the potato, make a cacao sauce with it, and pour it over the other half. It's an easy fix with almost two hundred less calories.

I know what nutrients I need. I know this because MyFitnessPal lets me track my nutrients. Iron and calcium? Those I've got to work on. But protein is SO EASY. It's seriously in EVERYTHING. Every single day, I make the RDA, and I don't even try.

Drinking ruins EVERYTHING. If I never drank alcohol again, I'd be set. Alas... I do drink. But not as much as I did.

So many popular nutritionists are pro-fat. David "Avocado" Wolfe claims to eat two avocados every single day. Gena and Telpner's websites host oooozles of full-fat recipes.

I don't mean to put down fat. But I do have to remind everyone that fat intake counts. I've been eating almond butter and avocados like crazy. And all it did was aggravate my IBS and make me puffy.

Don't get me wrong - I still eat my avocados. Now I eat them on days that I haven't had much fat. I eat them after I sweat bullets on the elliptical at my gym. I work for my avocados!!!

Currently, I'm revamping my recipes to be more low-fat. Here's the first one: Pumpkin bread.

Low-Fat Pumpkin Bread

1 cup gluten-free flour

(I mixed brown rice, buckwheat, corn, and millet together)

1/2 cup pumpkin

3 Tablespoons flax seed meal

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1/4 teaspoon all spice

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 cup agave syrup

5-7 drops stevia

3/4 cup water

Pour this jawn into a cake pan. Bake it at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour.

It was more like cake.

Toots

Are you a carbs person?

Do you prefer fat or protein?

What food group do you love to nom?

Farty's Daily Tonic Herbs

2011-04-12T11:22:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to show off my herb knowledge for a while now.

Since 2007, I've been poring over field guides, plant diagrams, and gardening guides. What do I have to show for it? No degree.

Just this blog post.

This is the beginning of a series. Herbs are such a huge part of my Farty healing! They definitely need to become a huge part of this blog.

So! Today, let's begin with...

Farty's Daily Tonic Herbs

Part I: Good Morning!!!

Licorice Root

Licorice is a soothing mucilaginous herb. I take it both for my throat and my tummy. For me, licorice root tea soothes and settles better than raw honey. It also acts as a perfect light sweetener. Usually, it will be added to my daily tonic teas. See recipes below!

Ginger

I drink ginger every day; usually it's in kombucha. But often I will add it to my daily tonic teas, when I need to speed up my digestive system a bit. Ginger is great for aiding in digestion, particularly after eating. It's also good for warming up the tummy.

Here is my favorite wintertime wake-up tea!

Red Winter Tea

1 teaspoon ginger root powder

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1/2 cup nut or seed milk

1 cup water

Part II: Good Afternoon!

Nettles!!!

Nettles made Rosemary Gladstar's top five list of daily tonic herbs. (If you are interested in hearing the other four, listen to Herb Mentor Radio's past podcast interview with her.) Nettles are spiky and painful to harvest. But they contain iron, calcium, magnesium and vitamin C. When combined with other herbs, they make a heady tea!

You can also make pasta out of them.

Raspberry Leaf!!!

I love to stick my hand in a bag of razz and squzz it around. It's so pillowy, like cotton. Raspberry leaf is best known and used because it eases cramps. (At least - it eases mine!) It also tastes like a mild black tea.

Y'know it!

People say you can't take echinacea every day for it to work. Well, I do. And you know what? It effin' works. Herb Pharm's Herbal Ed states this in one of the Herb Pharm lecture podcasts, which you can download off iTunes. He says that no studies have ever concluded that ech needs to be taken sparingly. He argues that the opposite is true. I'm proof that it is!

My favorite tea time tea includes these three herbs. Together, they create a lovely psuedo English Breakfast, Assam or Ceylon. But this tea is chock full of vitamins!

Farty Tea Time

1 part nettles

1 part echinacea

2 parts raspberry leaf

1/2 cup nut or seed milk

1 cup water

Part III: Sweet Dreams

Passionflower

It's passionflower, not Xanax to the rescue. At least for me, this has been true. I suffer from anxiety disorder, as well as insomnia and sleep paralysis. Passionflower is my favorite - and most delicious - remedy. Named for its five spokes, which are akin to the five wounds of Christ's passion, Passionflower assists in relieving trauma. If taken regularly, it can chase away anxiety and depression.

Scullcap

American Scullcap is a sleepy herb. I take it because of the name. Also, I love its heavy bitter taste. I never drink it alone though. Recipe is coming... can you guess the third ingredient?

Lavender

I've been cheating on valerian with lavender for about two years now. For me, lavender works just as good. Plus, it adds a neat flowery smell to your tea. I drink lavender on those nights when I'm really insomniac. Many nights, I fall asleep, mid-cup. It works that good with my body.

How neat is it that all of the nighttime herbs are purpley? They are colored with the hue of a deep dark night! The doctrine of signatures are all up in this bitch.

Farty Twilight

1 part lavender

1 part scullcap

2 parts passionflower

1/2 cup nut or seed milk

1 cup water

This reminds me....

Farty Notes!

When using herbs, remember that herbs are not medicine. Rather, our bodies react differently to different herbs. So what works for me might not work for you. But it's worth a try!

When making herbal tea, be aware of your herbs. Flowers and leaves take only 5 to 10 minutes to steep. Roots and seeds can take as long as 25 minutes. Also, roots and seeds need to simmer a bit. If you decide to add licorice root to any of these teas - it's a GREAT idea! It's also good practice to simmer the roots and seeds first, then add the leaves and flowers.

Toots

Do you take any herbs?

Do you drink any medicinal herbal teas?

Which ones?

Have they helped you?

If you were to take medicinal herbs,

what issues would you be looking to relieve?

DISCLAMOOOR

Please accept my massive apologies for such crappy spacing. I'm in the process of MOVING!!! YAY! And I've been blogging from my boyfriend's computer, which sucks. Once I get the fartymacbook up in Pennsylvania country, posts will be back to normal.

Farty thanks you for your patience.

Chocolate Malt Protein Shake

2011-04-08T05:48:00.000-07:00

The last time I ate a malty milk ball was probably around 2007. But damn, they were good! As a carby carber, I love anything that's bland and grainy tasting. Malt is the epitome of that!

Imagine my delight when I made this discovery. This morning, my breakfast spinach smoothie tasted like a malted milk shake!!!

CHECK BACK LATER TODAY

FOR PHOTO!!!

Here's the recipe!

1 cup nut or seed milk

1 carton of Vita Coco coconut water

4 Tablespoons Trader Joe's Chocolate Hemp Protein Powder

1 Tablespoon MLO Brown Rice Protein Powder

1 cup spinach

THEN

2 Tablespoons raw cacao

1/2 Tablespoon mesquite

1 teaspoon maca

5-7 drops stevia

You're Welcome!

Have a Happy Weekend!

I've Been a Bad, Bad Gluten-Free Vegan

2011-04-03T07:06:00.000-07:00

Can you see what's in this picture? That's a Guinness. And a soft pretzel. Both were mine. It's an old picture, but a continuing trend. I've been testing foods again! I started for a number of reasons.

Traveling from school to school to my boyfriend's, six hours a week, got pretty draining. It was hard to remember to carry around food.

In a meeting with a fitness trainer, I discovered that my percentage body fat is pretty high. Since then, I've been logging my food and exercise into My Fitness Pal every day. Trying to stay gluten free and vegan on a 1200 calorie diet is HARD!

I hate labels. So do most nutritionist bloggers. Gena eats gluten. Telpner eats raw honey. The twins eat goat cheese (sometimes). They have all taught me the most important lesson about eating well. Restrictions are stressful, not healthy!

I really started testing because of Guinness. The thought of living a life without Guinness killed me. Then I read somewhere that some touchy stomachs can handle Guinness. This is because Guinness is wheat free, made from barley. I drank Guinness and I continue to drink Guinness. It gives me NO problems.

Over the past year, I have also eaten barley once or twice, and suffered no problems. So possibly, my problem is wheat, not gluten.

Then I tried this...

Our local pizza shop was happy to make me a mushroom onion broccoli pizza with no cheese. I ate two slices, scraping all of the toppings onto those two slices! It was insanely delicious. There's still spots of tomato sauce on my coat from that night. After that night? Not so delicious! I was blocked up for days.

This week, I tried some gluten again. I wasn't sleeping well. For lunch, the only thing I wanted was COMFORT. So bagel with hummus and soup, it was! This is from my favorite local coffeeshop, where I have been grading papers and writing stories since 1998!

The soup was chickpea tomato - completely vegan and gluten free. It made my stomach feel full of warmth and life!

The bagel made my stomach feel full of death and rocks. It was clenched and angry for the rest of the afternoon.

In need of an easy breakfast, I picked up a tiny cup of Fage. Who'mI kiddin??? I was jonesing for the stuff! I ate it with raw honey on boatmeal. It was awesome.

But the rest of the day, I was sick.

In all of my cheating - ahem - testing, the only food that truly made me feel good was eggs. A couple mornings this week, I made veggie country mess. It's scrambled eggs, onions, garlic, mushrooms, an Amy's Sonoma burger, and whatever veggies I could find in the fridge. The eggs were as local as I could get. My boyfriend's neice has chickens. We bought a dozen from her. They were brighter than a Crayola crayon. And they woke me up brighter than the sun!

Sooo... what does all this mean? Nothing's really changed. My bod's still weird and farty. When the shit doesn't hit the fan, I can always slam a cacao maca smoothie! That always gets things movin'!

Cacamacamessmoothie!

1.5 Tablespoon Cacao

.5 Tablespoon Maca

.5 Tablespoon Mesquite

1.5 cups Almond Milk

12 drops stevia

Toots

With the news that radiation has been found in Cali milk, is anyone else afraid of the produce? If there was ever a time to start gardening, I think it's now! Yes? No? Go Indie friends and I are starting the test garden back up. This year, the boyfriend and I are getting our own plot! He wants to plant nothing but corn. I want to plant medicinal herbs and greens. Are you gardening? If so, what? How do you feel about diets? Are the helpful or hurtful?

Got Kale?

2011-03-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

It's the fight of the century!

Calcium vs. Oxalates:

The Battle for your Bones!

Check out my guest post at Dairy Free Betty!

Three-Day Kombucha

2011-03-24T16:30:00.001-07:00

Is it possible?

When my pals at Go Indie asked me to do a review on Kombuchick's three-day brew, it was a gracious offer.

I love making coconut milk kefir, rice milk kefir, and lemon water kefir. However, as an adjunct English professor, time is not of my essence. I travel hours from school to school. My boyfriend lives an hour away from me. I rarely sleep in the same place every night.

Also - home base is with my parents. There's NO WAY my father's letting me keep a two-gallon jar of jellyfish tea in the kitchen.

Look at that monster.

Daily probiotic brewin' just ain't happenin' in my parents' house.

But the three-day brew? Now that's something that works for me. That's something small. That's something I can let sit.

So in January, I set up station. When you order the three-day brew, here's what you get.

Jar, sugar, and tea

Ziploc scoby

VERY helpful directions

I followed them like an evangelical follows the Bible. I sanitized EVERYTHING with boiling water. I made sure the sugar dissolved completely into the hot brewed tea. I cooled the tea in the fridge, before adding the scoby.

I poured the cooled tea into the jar...

... and everything fit PERFECTLY!!!

Then, I placed the scoby in the tea and set it in the warmest place in the house: my bedroom.

Our Blessed Mother of Booch

Sooooo...

Did it work?

Yes and no.

See, I started this booch in January. Probies don't grow well in the cold. They need warmth. So even though I tried to grow this booch in a warm room, it was not warm enough.

Still. It took a WEEK. That's all. That's awesome.

DELICIOUS!!!

Now that it's warming up in Pennsylvania, the booch is warming up too. It's taking five days, four days. By May, I'm sure it will be a three-dayer.

Much like kefir grains, scobys grow. Check out the farm I got goin' in this batch!

As you can see, in only a few months, I can make more kombucha, because I have more scobys. If you do this at home, please know that you don't have to pile on the scobys like I do. You can give them to friends. It only takes one scoby to make a good booch.

There are a lot in my jar because I'm an experimenter!

Kombucha is amazing for tummy probs, my fellow IBSsers out there. It's also invigorating. (I used to it get me off caffeine this past year.) I love drinking it when I'm on my long drives to and from school or the boyfriend's. It keeps me going and curbs my appetite.

So - If you are like me - stuck in your parents' house thanks to the recession, or maybe you'd just rather not have an enormous jar of jellyfish tea sitting on your kitchen counter - check out the kombuchick!

For the Love of Carbs...

2011-03-15T14:32:00.000-07:00

My favorite restaurant ever? Dough Rollers.

I don't know if there are any still in existence. Friends and I always ate there when vacationing in Ocean City, Maryland during high school. It was always the highlight of the trip for me!

As a child, my favorite foods were pancakes, pizza, and cake. As a teen, it was mac and cheese. Today, I still love on my pancakes, but I also love sweet potatoes, oatmeal, and any whole grain.

Sareena's amazing gluten free vegan pancakes!

My love of carbs is not diminished by my favorite weight loss story.

Back in 2004, I waited tables at a prominent Boston tourist trap, pulling 13 hour shifts a day. The restaurant didn't allow servers to eat anything on the menu, and refused to give us breaks to run out to get grub. Complimentary cornbread was given out to every table. So that's what I pinched. All summer long, I subsisted off cornbread and Dunkin' Donuts mochas. And I lost twenty pounds.

Those pounds never came back. And yet, I've known for a while now that I'm not as thin as I should be. I am a gluten free, soy free vegan who counts her sugars and works out four days a week. And look at me:

Do I look like a fat girl?

Maybe not from this angle...

How about here?

Maybe "fleshy" is a better term?

Or there is the godawful "curvy" that is used waaaaay too much.

Me and Dainty Bones on New Year's

Okay, maybe I'm not fat.

But I'm definitely not as thin as I should be.

To get to the lardy bottom of me, I scheduled a wellness coaching session at my gym. In the meeting, Coach Mike measured my percentage body fat. I held my breath as he wrote down the numbers. It came out to 27%.

GAH!!!

That's ten percent more than it was in college, when I didn't work out, when I was a smoker who drank forties of malt liquor every single night. That's also fifteen percent higher than I thought it would be.

Coach Mike offered lots of great suggestions.

Do shorter, more intense cardio
Less yoga at home, more classes
Use nautilus machines to work on "problem areas"
Use a balance ball to do crunches and planks
Eat MORE often: Six small meals a day
Log food and exercise at My Fitness Pal!

The last one, I started right away.

Currently, my Fitness Pal has me on a regimen of working out four days a week for forty-five minute intervals and eating 1200 calories a day.

Mid-way through the very first day, I noticed something. Post lunch, I'd exceeded my fat intake, and way underscored my carb intake. Together, this added up to a high calorie count for the day, but without eating that much food.

Could it be the raw breakfast cookies?

During the second and third days, I learned more and more. Did you know that it's insanely less caloric to eat a salad with hummus instead of evoo and nooch? I didn't.

Holy Nooch!

Did you know that one single avocado eats up one-fourth of sedentary calorie intake and nearly an entire day's worth of fat? I knew they were fatty, but geez!

Avocado on Udis... my new favorite dinner!

Let's not forget my daily snack of chocolate bars...

... And my love of drinking!!!

Did you know that it's way less caloric to drink a vodka and soda rather than a Redbridge? Okay, that one doesn't surprise me. But it's nice to be reminded.

Am I talking bad about fats? Absolutely NOT! My problem was that I was eating far too much of them. I put nut butter AND coconut oil cacao sauce on my sweet potatoes. Then I ate a heavily noochy and evoo'd salad. Most days, I ate an avocado. For dinner, I threw a huge slab of vegan soy free butter into brown rice, amaranth or quinoa.

There's a lot of vegan butter under those veggies!

Combine these meals with a moderate workout aaaaand... I'm guessing fat's how I got my lovely lady lumps.

In the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if my love of carbs is somehow instinctual. Could it be that my body is thinnest on carbs? Furthermore - how am I going to balance this fitness program with my super-raw IBS-friendly diet?

Stay tuned!!!

Toots

How do you feel about the whole fat controversy?

Do you think fat is good or bad for you?

What do you do to maintain your weight?

Milk and Cookies from the Same Teat!

2011-03-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have felt like an imposter.

Of all the health food bloggers, the healthiest claim that the healthiest of healthy choices one can choose is making your own nut or seed milk.

This is because of all the gross additives in store bought vegan milk.

For me, milk-making is a hassle. I have to process 8 ounces at a time. And I drink about 32 ounces of nut or seed milk a week! (That's a normal, non-IBSsy week too.) So rarely did I do it.

Check out my pain-in-the-ass process!!!

Two weeks ago, my girl Robyn from Go Indie got me thinking about making milk again. She had my boyfriend and I over for an amazing dinner. As we do when we get together, we talked vegan milk and cheese-making techniques. I looked at her pristine shiny blue-white bottle of hempmilk in the fridge and instantly felt jealous.

I thought: Enough with the carageenan!

Enough with the lecithins!

That Monday, I pulled out my big bowl, my clothespins, and my ratty old t-shirt.

In the middle of making almond milk, I realized something. Now that I have a dehydrator, I can use the leftover nut pulp. Making milk is not just about the milk. I can make milk AND cookies at the same time!

So that's what I did. Here's the recipe.

Nut and Seed Milk

1/4 cup of your favorite nuts or seeds

Process in a food processor or blender

Add 1 cup water

Let it whiz and churn until white and creamy

Strain through nut milk bag (or old t-shirt, as I do)

Drink

Feel luxurious

This past week, I discovered that hazelnuts break down SO much easier than almonds. Macadamias and hemp seeds do too. Other milks like pumpkin seed, sesame and sunflower have always left a bad taste in my mouth. Brazil nuts and pecans make such amazing butter; why waste their gloriousness on milk that's just okay?

To make the cacaokies, nut or seed pulp is necessary. Dates are too. Together, they make everything stick. Other than that, add what you want!!!

Cacaokies

Take leftover pulp from 32 ounces of milk

Add 1 tablespoon of maca powder

Add 1 tablespoon of yacon powder

Add 2 tablespoons of lucuma powder

Add 10 chopped dates

Add cacao nibs

Process until you have a sticky dough*

*If having trouble getting the dough to bind, add agave or flax seed meal

Form into patties

Dehydrate at 105 degrees for 2 hours on each side

DEVOUR!!!

These cookies are my favorite breakfast ever. They are PERFECT for IBS. They are light so they don't weigh down my tummy. But they are also full of so many good superfoods. Every time I eat them I feel ready to take on the world!

Some more cacaokie porn...

Gojis made these orangey!

Topped with Averie's coconut oil chocolate!!!

Toots

What's your favorite cookie?

What's your favorite breakfast?

What are you totally in love with right now?

Did you see who won the CSN contest???

Who's the Big Winner?

2011-03-02T14:18:00.000-08:00

The random number generator chose number 19.

That means the winner of the CSN giveaway is...

IRIS from The Daily Dietribe!!!

Yay!!!

Congrats, Iris!

I will message you the deets!

As for everyone else, I hope the raw cacao cookie recipe I'm posting tomorrow will suffice as a consolation prize.

On the Edge of Spring!

2011-02-27T05:25:00.000-08:00

The sun is shining in Pennsylvania country this morning. The soil is waking up, it's smell loosening into the air. The birds are back, calling to each other from the trees and powerlines. A horse and buggy just clopped down the street: Mennonites on their way to church.

Inside my tea is steeping. Socca is soaking. Skillet is piping.

Oh yeah, and the giveaway is closed!

I'll post the winner in a few days! Have a great week!

Giveaway!

2011-02-20T06:18:00.000-08:00

CSN stores is offering another gift certificate to FG readers!

In case you missed the first giveaway, let me catch you up. CSN stores have a ton of items, from modern furniture to cookware, lighting, and more. They have over twenty stores!

This time, they are hooking up a winner with $60 bucks! The $60 gift certificate applies to any of their stores, too. Pretty awesome, eh?

There are two ways to enter.

First, head over to a CSN store and tell me what you'd like to buy with the gift certificate.

Second, check out my review of Oasis Raw Foods at Go Indie. Tell me what tasty stuff you're eating this week, that's also doing good for your tum.

This giveaway will be closed on Sunday, February 27th! Have a great week! And thanks for playing! :)